Life Checks Not On The List

Because not everything got blogged about.

~~~
29. Impromptu international trip

“You should come visit.”
“I think I can.”
A week later, ticket bought. A month later I was on my return flight home. Still can’t quite believe that happened.

30. Skating around a city ice rink holding hands with a boy

Maybe not “my boy” but it felt adorable just the same. The night before I left the county, I took some friends up on their ice skating invite. It's one of the parts of living in a Northern city that I feel like people talk about wanting to do, more than actually doing. I'm glad I did it.

31. Connect with one of my students well enough to invite her over for breakfast.

One of the things I loved about my college was connecting with professors and being invited into their homes. I’m legitimately friends with one of my undergrads and happy about it.

32. Attend a conference in my field where I didn’t know anyone when I went in AND make dinner plans with someone from the conference

This involved me googling her presentation, finding an archived version from a previous talk, and e-mailing an address that I wasn't sure was still active. But she didn't have dinner plans and so I'm glad I made the effort.

33. Travel to hang out with my sister for a week/be grown-up friends with my sister

My sister and I were sisters growing up, but not always friends. I feel like we've mostly made the transition to actually liking each other and not just loving each other because that's what you do with family.

34. Find a church home of my own (not just my parent’s default) and join that congregation

My pastor makes a point of saying you can be active in our congregation without being a member. Being a member doesn't get you any special benefits. But it's still important to me to know that this is my church home.

35. Have a theater subscription

Bought in part because of my checkmark to attend a show alone. I got a whole package of them to enjoy. But having the whole subscription felt like an even more grown-up thing to do.

36. Buy fancy shampoo. Use it.

I didn’t believe in the power of good shampoo until I got one that really works with my hair.

37. Fill out grownup documents. a) Start creating documents.

Filled out a document giving my parents power of attorney for healthcare. Hopefully they won't need to exercise it. But I want to make sure they get to make decisions instead of the state.

Life Checks Check-In

With all of the resolutions people are making around the new year (and a need to clean off my mirror before my holiday party next Friday), I figured now's a good time to review my Life Checks List. Today I'm looking at what I've done.

~~~

2. Pay off the student loans

5. Pay to go to a show by myself (I already go to free ones, but this needs to be something I really want to see)

6. Have a windowsill full of houseplants/15. Have a successful window garden (Huh, must really want this one. Or not. Saw it up there at number 7. Only gets to count once.)



8. See the glaciers at Glacier National Park

Went this summer with my family. Technically, I'm not sure whether we saw the Glaciers. But if not, then I saw the snow that was still covering the Glaciers in late July. I'd say that's close enough.

PS, I think the flowers were pretty amazing.

10. Do a canoe trip

Did another day trip in a canoe with G. But this truly earned its check mark after a 3-day trip this summer.

13. Complete a picture-a-day assignment

My last week of pictures got deleted in the computer troubles of fall 2011, but I'm still checking this one off.

18. Find/Make an occasion to wear those 4-inch stiletto black boots

20. Attend my sister’s graduation

23. Give yoga a second chance

25. Give more boldly

I've upped my giving to a full tithe. (I'd slacked up as I started getting more money, but also being responsible for more of my finances.) There's only been one time this year where I wondered how other grad students afford to do something that I wanted to but wouldn't commit to because of cost. When I realized that their annual cost was less than the amount I was donating, I decided I was okay with my decision.

~~~

It's easy to say that many of the things on the list are things I'd do anyway. Paying off student loans. Attending graduation. Going to Glacier. Those were things that WERE GOING TO HAPPEN. The same way that I hope 3. Finish collecting degrees is going to get done.

But I'm more aware of the things that I'd probably do. The canoe trip. The solo shows. Wearing those crazy heels. Things that I'd been meaning to do, sort of. Things that I'd like to do, so I thought. But the things that I wouldn't necessarily do if I hadn't told myself I would.

I always hated the goal setting lessons in school. When they made us set something I'd usually choose something ridiculously easy, "I'm going to finish this sweater by the time I graduate...from college." (Said in the fall of my senior year of high school when the sweater was half done after, what, 7 weeks?) Maybe I'd say something ridicuously hard, I'm going to sell 800 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, but I wouldn't actually mean it.

It's the same way that I used to feel towards resolutions. The "I'm going to change" mentality the media portrayed wasn't me at all.

But this list has been the perfect nudge for me. The reminder that I want to do something. The prompt of the courage to go ahead.

An exciting day

I'm reading various ethnographies of small towns. Which means I want to take notes on my visit to my parents town (pop 3,700).

First clue that something was up was when three cop cars drove down the road as dad was walking home.

Second clue was when the janitor called to make sure it was safe to go into the church because the police were all around the building.

Third clue was the phone call from a neighbor that there was an escape from the county jail (a few blocks down the road).

Ahhhhhh. Got it.

I walked around town with my visiting friends. We got to see the town sitting on their porches watching the helicopter. Chat with the deputy who I'd met Christmas caroling a few nights ago. Heard the whole story.

About a half hour ago we got the call that they caught the guy. My mom's been on the phone since letting various people know. Part of me wants to go interview people to find out what story they heard, from who, and when they heard it. But more of me says that this isn't the research I should focus on just now.

That and I'd need IRB for anything

Tutorial: Fabric Topped Jars

I love glass jars. It's so easy to put things in them to transport. Granola to school. Salad dressing in my lunch box. Water bottle when my real one was lost. And, of course, the jams and jellies and pickles and apple butter and whatever else I can throughout the year.

Which are also some of my favorite gifts to give. Come December the hardest part is wrapping them.

I've long been a fan of fabric topped jars. In the past I've spent hours cutting out circles to fit the lids just so. But today I didn't have the patience to come up with my template. I channeled my snowflake cutting years instead and went pointy.

Quickest tute so that I remember this trick in the future. (I didn't even retake the pictures when I realized how bad they are. Next time...)

1) Have jar to be wrapped.

2) And some fabric to wrap it in.

3) Cut a good sized piece of fabric (use the lid as a guide).

4) Fold it into quarters. Then start folding diagonally. This one got to be in 16ths.

5) Snip the end. I went for an exaggerated point.

6) Unfold and top the jar.

7) Lather, rinse, repeat.

Please note the lower left jar is not empty
The jelly just stuck to the top of the jar when I made it
and the vacuumed air is still at the bottom

Finals Soundtrack

I downloaded the freebies from Ghostly yesterday. They've been good for that ambiant music in the background this finals.

But after a bit I need lyrics again. Today I went back to last year's TEDActive Entry Mix. Which I should know by heart by now, but because it's almost always listened to in moods like this, there is always a moment where I go, "oh, that's here?"

[Edit]
After posting this I realized that there was a TEDActive Entry Mix for 2010. Know what I'm listening to next.

TA needs to vent

Being a TA is hard. It's totally a different ball game than straight up teaching. (And I almost wonder if it is harder because I've been a straight up teacher.)

You have to translate between student and professor. And what you hear are the complaints, so you've got to negotiate how you phrase everything.

You have to grade assignments that you didn't come up with. So there are times where you don't know what's going on. And then you're defending something that you didn't write. (Plus, grading. More grading. MORE grading. Though I don't know how you keep teaching without looking at the grading to have a sense of where the misunderstandings are. I honestly, don't know.)

Also, it's hard to find mistakes in the profs work. I feel embarrassed every time I don't catch something. But I'm reading through for glaring stuff and things will make sense and then, whooops. Nevermind. Yup, students, the answer key to that problem is horribly incorrect. I think. Uhhhhhh.....

Almost worse though are the times where you think you catch something and the prof says, nope, not an error. And then students come back and ask you to explain and you have no idea. Cause you still think it's an error. And then you reference the book and can't find your mistake. Ask some friends and can't find your mistake. So you tell the students that and cross your fingers.

Which is WAY more complicated than when you're the teacher. Then you either a) know why you did something and can explain, or b) know why you did something and can admit your error. This middle ground is a TIME SUCK.

You Know I Love the Random Reconnections

Lunch today involved me being told that someone else was joining my friend and me. With this friend, that's the norm, so I didn't think twice. Just tried to remember the new person's name.

Then I found my friend in the cafeteria and all but shouted at the person sitting across from him. We were in the middle of a it's-been-a-long-time-hug when my original lunch date got out, "Wait, you know each other?"

"We went to college together," said the long-lost friend giving our graduation years. I talked over him that his brother was my next door neighbor freshmen year and dated my roommate for a while. "It was awkward."

The conversation took a while to find its rhythm. When you know you're going to run into someone you follow one script. When you randomly bump into someone you follow another. When my lunch date introduces me to someone there's a whole different protocol than when everyone already knows each other. None of them quite fit our situation, and I think we tried them all.

Next time will be more natural. It might not happen until January--finals and then holiday travel make it hard to make plans with me right now--but I'm excited for when it does.

Anxieties

Going to job talks makes me nervous.

Specifically watching people give a job talk for a junior faculty position gets my sympathetic stress hormones pumping.

Especially when they bomb it.

~~~

I'm so afraid that I'll be that person. Standing in front of a room of impressive strangers. Not understanding what their questions are.

~~~

Sometimes I wonder when people realize that this isn't just going "not so well." It must be sometime in the Q&A. When the same question is asked for a third or fourth time, you have to know that it's all gone wrong. And by then you're so frazzled you can't answer the softball questions people are trying to give you.

~~~

It's depressing how memorable the BAD talks are. I don't really remember the details of the Q&A for any of the faculty that have been hired while I've been here (and I went to all of their job talks).

But the bombers, I remember. There was the one who didn't know how one of their key variables was coded. Someone else who couldn't summarize their hypothesis. Today's struggled with the casual inference question. It was painful to watch.

~~~

It's not like we expect them to fail. They're coming from the elite schools. With big name advisers. My adviser told us this afternoon, "And you haven't seen the letters of recommendation on this one."

~~~

I have to believe that I won't do that.

That my committee will actually read my work and makes me think through a lot of hard questions before my job talk.

That coming from an interdisciplinary background I will have heard questions from all sorts of angles. I'll be prepared for them. And hopefully better able to think about the curveballs.

That I will find that balance between owning your work and acknowledging the shortcomings.

That I will remember key phrases. "Wow. That's a really interesting way of looking at the issue. That's a valuable insight. I don't know much about that area, but know that it is your area of expertise. Perhaps we can talk and think about some ways to collaborate?"

~~~

I still feel a long ways away from the job talk. I should be stressing about my finals for the term instead of my finals for grad school life. At this point, the job talk is a low grade, back of the mind under piles of other projects worry, dug out when I listen to other people. Another month until this search is over and then I'll bury it again.

Links for Female Friends

I was about to send these links to Brady because they're the feminist type empowering get your act together variety that we love. Then I realized I should blog so everyone knows about them. So some awesome sounding projects I've heard about recently.

The OpEd Project -- Major newspapers accept opeds from women at the same rate as men. But we don't submit them, so we lose in the byline category. And if we're not representing our views, no wonder they're not being expressed. My updated life check list should include submitting an oped (and getting one published? While still being kosher about wanting to get tenure someday? And only being a grad student now? Stop doubting, self, start pushing.)

She Should Run -- OpEd project:news venues :: She Should Run:Public Leadership positions. Both about helping women overcome the barriers that (still) exist to being part of the public voice. Updated life check list also includes asking a woman to run for office.

Reclaiming Words

Some words that I want to reclaim or whatever the lingo is.

Miss -- My art teacher got married when I was in second grade. I remember her teaching us the difference between Miss, Mrs., and Ms. (4 letters: I am not married. 3 letters: I am married. 2 letters: Who knows?) The poor dear. I could write them all, but they all got pronounced the same way. Miss. I love the sound of it and still can’t wrap my tongue around Mzzzzz. So for the sake of being everyone the same, I’m proud to be Miss Me, no matter which way I spell it. (Often Ms.)

Lady/Ladies -- I didn’t realize there were issues with this one until the discussion here. I use it all the time. It’s my word for groups of women instead of saying, “hey guys,” it’s “hello ladies.”

Feminist -- I’m so confused by the unpopularity of the word feminist. I have always been a feminist. I hope I always will be.

From a random computer by the "genius bar"

Dear Apple Store Employee,

I get that when I'm late for my appointment you have to cancel. But be friendlier about it when I show up 10 minutes late, wet from rain, obviously with computer issues (and probably stressed out over them). I've been a loyal customer for years, but any experience could be the reason I stop.

xoxo,

Me

Travel Tip #32

Beauty of small airports. After I arrived there way too early (d'oh car rental not matching up with plane ticket) I've ended up camped outside. Quieter here than inside. (The Welcome Home party for the Army Chaplin had me in tears.) No muzak. Still get the free wi-fi. And sunshiney dose of vitamin D. (Gotta get the blonde highlighted in my hair while I can.)

Plus I get to say hi to the pilots walking to their cars.

Undies Q

So one of my favorite "math teacher friends who I've never met" is opening a lingerie store. I'm taking this as an opportunity to ask someone all those sizing of underwear questions I never quite understand.

Already learned that the thing about a cup size being the same if you increase a band and decrease a cup size is actually true. Something to do with cups being proportional and not a size.

I'm fielding other questions to ask in the comments. (Mostly so I have a place to remember where they are when I get around to asking my friend.)

Weekend Snapshots:Bday Reunion

One of the things I miss about my time in TFA is the way weekends were times for roadtrips and social breaks. So when my roommate invited me to her party, I superwanted to go.

~~~

Actually managed to make progress on my essay midterm on my trip out there. Successful work!

~~~

At the liquor store. Oh, there's a free wine tasting? Nice timing.

~~~

Long wait for dinner. Go to boutique next door to wait. In the ~25 minutes I managed to buy 2 dresses and 1 shirt. Color Me Red has a superfun line of knit dresses, but I can't find much info about 'em online.

~~~

Pumpkin curry served in a pumpkin. I think all pumpkin should be prepared this way.


Dessert that included sweet sticky rice and a hot custard. No idea how to make it, but loved it!

~~~

Hot pumpkin cocktail. I guess I'll allow some pumpkin to be prepared this way.

~~~

One beauty of our particular TFA experience is that it doesn't take many people coming to have a decent reunion. Two other people roadtripping out. Some local friends joining up. Ended up having about a third of a corps year together. Including people I hadn't seen since I left. Reunions are happy.

~~~

Working at fun coffeeshop while sipping an amazing Chai Tea. And catching up with my classmate who moved away.

~~~

Pedal pub party!


I loved seeing other people's reactions.

Please note the driver is taking our photo.

We rode past a wedding party 3 times while they were taking photos. The last time, their photographer started photographing us. I hope we wind up in their wedding album.

~~~

Bars and music and late night breakfast at the 24-hour diner. I got in trouble for trying to close the refrigerator door. Just want to help them lower their electric bill.

~~~

Breakfast with college friend. Complete with another college person walking into our cafe. He'd never been in there before. I'm never in town. And yet, there you have it.

~~~

Adorable kids in the row in front of me on my way back home. Singing my song from Thursday. Practicing math problems. Taking naps. Clapping when the baby across the aisle stopped crying. Pointing out every farm they noticed.

~~~

Getting my midterm complete (if blah) and turned in!

~~~

Chatting with my seatmate. Getting her on Ravelry. Showing off ALL my pictures from the weekend. And getting a ride home from her parents at the end of the ride.

Sorting of Days

There are days where I sit at the computer frustrated. Willing words onto the screen. (Or formulas from my fingers. Or understanding through my brain. But mostly they’re the writing days.) Those are the days where I question this life path.

But then there are the days where I feel like I’ve made some progress (no matter how small, you celebrate the progress). Days where I experience success as a teacher (well, as a TA for now, but when I hold session it feels the same).

And then there are the magic days where everything seems to fall in place. Or at least I feel like I’m making headway on research and I get to teach some. And I hear about someone else’s research that sounds amazing. And those are the days that make me remember how lucky I am.

Let it be known that I wrote this on one of the first days.
As a way to remind myself that the words can come.
Somewhere. Somehow.

In the streets our heads are lifting

Driving home. Stopped at the traffic light. I'm playing one of my mixes on the stereo. It's on a favorite song (because they're all favorite songs) that I associate with a friend who I don't get to see often enough. We had quality time last week though, so I'm riding that high. And, of course, dancing along.

Waving my hands in the air, I raise my head. There's a guy coming down the middle of the street with a sign. He's looking at me and smiling.

I keep dancing and smile back at him.

I didn't share my money. But somehow we shared a moment.

Sick Day Finds

Halfway to school this morning, I realized that if I was packing the thermometer to monitor myself during the day, I probably wasn't healthy enough to be at school. So I picked up the stats homework and came back home for a sick day*.

Taking aspirin and drinking lots of liquids and resting and not listening to lectures has made me feel better. Also, lots of the perusing the internet instead of doing the reading that I told myself I'd do. My favorites:

The Bell Bajao campaign against domestic violence. Found through @zephoria's Tweet. Especially like the inspired by real life videos.








Also, falling in love with this blog. I found Dr. Isis after another person I follow on Twitter congratulated her on her baby girl. And I discovered that the woman had LIVE-TWEETED HER LABOR. Her blog is more sciencey than my research, but awesome feminist, academia, work-life balance, and cute shoes piece of work.

With that, my dears, I'm going to eat my dessert and, really, truly, do some school reading.

Conversations from the past week: body

He's watching his girlfriend dance. "She never used to wear anything with spandex, but she's getting more comfortable in her body." For the first time that night, I actually look at what she's wearing: white t-shirt is normal enough but those leggings aren't the type of thing you wear when you're lacking self confidence. I don't know her story, but I can imagine having a body positive partner can only help her gain that comfort.

~~~

"My goal for next year is to look good in a bikini."

For people who I can understand the desire to lose (or gain) weight, maybe I could get on board with the goal. But as I look at my friend I can't. "Find a swimsuit you like and buy it."

Days later I realize what I want to tell her is that on a beach like this--where we're surrounded "those girls"--I feel less self-aware in my new bikini than I would in my normal tankini.

~~~

And yeah, it's easy for me to say. I'm the daughter who never had to think about metabolism. I ate healthily enough. I was active enough, though never super sporty. All to say, yea, I'm lucky.

~~~

"Of course you're hot. Why are you wearing a long-sleeves when it's 90 degrees outside?"

It was nearing laundry time. All that was left was the beach clothes. She doesn't like her arms. Feels more comfortable when they're covered up. So the fall-weight sweater was the practical choice.

~~~

I'm not sure how I should respond to my friends. How do you guide people towards body positivity without shaming where they're at now? How do we change the conversation from doubt to confidence? Or move away from an obsession?

September 4

One jar of salsa.

1 pint tomatillos, husks removed, small slash in the top of each
1 jalapeño, chopped, some seeds included, some removed
1 small onion, sorta chopped
Splash of water
Juice from one lime, way older than it should be
Few leaves from cilantro plant on the windowsill

Put the tomatillos, jalapeño, onion, and a splash of water in a small pot. Bring to a boil. Simmer until all of the vegetables are soft, stirring occasionally. At some point add the juice of the lime.

Once the onions are soft (they're the slowest to cook, the tomatillos should have become saucy), put everything in the blender. Whir it for a second. Add in the cilantro. Whir a bit more. Pour into jar to use in the next few weeks. Clean out blender with any chips you have around the house.

September 3

Sunrise wandering.

September 2

The end of waiting.

September 1

Kindly refrain from taking the box.

August 31

Photo on J's camera. This is just a placeholder until then.

August 29

Lunch spot.

August 28

Bike race (triathlon?) spied from the bus.

Plants--August 26, 27, 30

End of day and I haven't taken a photo? Ooops! What's growing around here?

August 26

Flowers on the compost tomato plant suggest it might be sturdy enough to transplant outside.

August 27

Next step find a proper pot.

August 30

This ivy won't take anything over anytime soon.

Dance it out

As ze frank says, I know it's for a mall, but it still makes me happy.

August 25

Vertical vanishing points are strange.

Not August 24

I failed. Extra from the 25.


Creepy doll. Not the best photo. I'm hesitant to be too obvious about taking a photo on the street, so I don't get the focus and frame just right. iPhoto chops aren't amazing either. May still play with the saturation of this.

Edit: Little bit more playing around. Seashore does work magic.



Thoughts?

Favorite wedding moment

When the bride comes in, we need to make noise, don't be stuffy academics.

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.

It set us up to applaud throughout the ceremony. Introduction--applause. Scripture--applause. Excerpt from The Prophet--applause. Vows--applause.

It made it more party and less churchy. While it might not be my choice for every couple, it was one of my favorite twists for this couple.

August 23

Rubber ducky, you'll always be the one.

August 22

Return of the feet!

August 21

Beach party! Mix and mingle. Pic and nic.

August 20

The wedded couple requested photos not be placed online. I'm assuming this is unidentifying enough. Make some noise when the bride comes in anyway.

August 19

Skype lunch date. Also, making use of my treehouse of an office.

August 18

Spiderweb caught leaf twirled into my face.

August 17

CSA dinner. Goat cheese and mint stuffed zucchini. Angel hair pasta with tomato sauce. Mint lemonade.

"I Heart Donating Blood"

I wore my sticker dancing last night. It was funny how it became a conversation starter with people who I see every week, but barely know.

"I used to donate. I should do that again." Yes, you should. If you don't remember when you last donated, chances are you're eligible again. You can donate every two months! I mean, I don't do that. And I get turned away often enough (darn, iron levels). But unless you've done something else that makes you ineliglible, you're good.

"Where did you donate?" I went to the website of the local donation agency and made an appointment. This time it was at a blood drive at a local hospital.

"Did you get Oreos?" I was the last donation of the day, so they were packing up as I donated. They left one of each snack out for me and told me to take the ones I didn't eat. I got Oreos, and popcorn, and pretzels, and animal crackers, and a granola bar, and fruit juice. "I like fruit juice." Cran-raspberry. It's good. I'm going to take my extra container, mix it with some yogurt, and make mini popsicles.

"Your blood's lighter now." Whaaaa?
Actually this comment was the opener for a "the health benefits of donating blood" conversation. I don't know much about it. More oxidized? Lower iron levels?
I do like having the information from the mini-physical. Because I've moved so much, it hard to track it (I should start a spreadsheet for my health data!). But it's fascinating to see how much my health data varies. See the graphs my current provider has?



They're also available for pulse, cholesterol (all sorts of measures there), temperature. Good stuff, I tell you.

"Some things are a mystery." The guy drawing my blood pointed out that we don't know how to make a living cell. This blood, even though it's no longer inside of you, is still living. While it's not exactly a tithe, I'll keep giving as long as I can.

August 16

Shrub in jars!

August 15

The result of me trying to do this. On the bus. Not a raging success, but I tried.

August 14

If I had extra money that required being spent on clothes, I would now own this skirt. Instead, I'm pondering making petticoats.

August 13

Starting to make some shrub.

Sweetie Pie

Heard this song on the radio, and had to find a version worth listening to again.

Love how this song connects homes for me.

Pecan Pie is a Thanksgiving requirement in my parent's tradition (and that home)

Sung about by Golden Smog who played at the Obama rally near college home

which I attended during a crisis during my teaching home

but didn't discover until at my grad school home.

I'll edit with a pecan pie recipe if I remember.

August 12

His shirt said, "I traded my sister for a video game." I asked which sister. Not the two-year-old.

August 11

Some days I splurge on soap and candles.

August 10

Apparently I like taking photos of my feet.

August 9

Inspired by Allison to finally work on goal 13. Assignment between August 9 and September 19. We'll see how I continue after that.

Perv

*Trigger alert*


And some space for you to leave if necessary.

.
.
.
.
.
.

Okay then.




Incident on the train today resulted in me pressing the call button "There's a guy masturbating. His penis is out." And then repeating the message for the conductor.

Disgusting. Terrible. Sickening.

My takeaways:

• Always make sure there are MULTIPLE people on your train car. Even in the middle of the day. Even when the doors to the train car are still open.
• Sit near the call button. Use it when necessary. People will respond.
  
• My response was a valid one. It addressed the situation (if I'd just left, he'd get away with it). But it didn't require me to engage directly with him.
• That rush of adrenaline will eventually make me shaky.
• I can think of friends who I can go to when I need to debrief. (Even when I know people are out of town. And others have moved. And others I'm not close enough to yet. The person I needed was home.)
• I am grateful to live in a place where this is NOT acceptable. It is NOT something that should be normal. And here it is not.

I'll be okay tomorrow. Tonight I'm still shaken and letting it affect my actions. It ruined my dancing mood. At the restaurant we went for dessert I waited for the women's bathroom to be unlocked rather than use the men's to wash my hands. (Even after my friend, who had just gotten out of there told me I should use it.) Normally, no hesitation. But for tonight, I'll let myself be extra wary.

Send me on my way

Last night was a mini-reunion. People who I haven't seen in two years catching up and hanging out. It's funny, most of them weren't my crew at the time. But being back together was comforting. Our shared experience something that needs no explanation.

~~~

The Adult Alternative TV music station was our soundtrack for the night. The Rusted Roots came on and someone mentioned the video.




I hadn't seen it before. But it's "trippy" to quote one of the guys.

Between the sounds of Ice Age which I watched far too many times at the camp that was home after graduating from high school and the scenes that became home after graduating from college, there are tears in my eyes. But it's so out there that I'm laughing instead.

Swing

To celebrate I went for a walk in the park and called my grandparents (rather than wait for them to call at a less opportune time). Ended up sitting in a swing.

It'd been criminally long since my feet kissed the sky and my head reached for the ground. (Please ignore the dipping I've done at dances.)

~~~

The Swing

By Robert Louis Stevenson

How do you like to go up in a swing,

Up in the air so blue?

Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing

Ever a child can do!

Up in the air and over the wall,

Till I can see so wide,

Rivers and trees and cattle and all

Over the countryside—

Till I look down on the garden green,

Down on the roof so brown—

Up in the air I go flying again,

Up in the air and down!

~~~

When we moved before tenth grade I was devastated. I'd settled into ninth grade. I had my friends. I had good courses. And, even though the rest of my family was miserable, I'd been happy.

But at the new house, the church playground was practically in our backyard. The first night there, I went out to the swingset. Back and forth. Imagining my new life. Until the rainbow appeared on one side of the sky and the clouds were dipped in gold on the other side.

~~~

Walking back from church sophomore year of college, we would stop by the playground across from my house. I don't think I've seen the pictures my friend took then. But whether kicking the leaves, leaving traces in the snow, or weaving through flowers, I felt as comfortable with his camera then as I ever have. Less self-conscious. More self.

~~~

First year teaching, the swingset was a longer trek. We'd stop by on our way to wander on the woodland path near the town with the decent sized grocery store. The swings were part of our meditation. Remembering the schools we attended. Connecting them to where we taught. Wondering about the chasm between.

~~~

As I watched my feet today, I flash through other swings they've been on. Give them up to the sky. Throw my head as long as I am able. Feel the world rush by.

Classifications

Zac wrote about Google+ and Facebook and putting friends into boxes.

I see the meaning of grouping those to whom I am connected online. Putting all the names in one place at one time makes the collective that much more daunting. It has value on the site, but that value isn’t something I carry around with me in life. When I get the chance to share a meal with Bud, I don’t think to myself, “Bud lives in my friend circle as well as my PLN circle, I will restrict conversation accordingly.”

The best moments are when those circles break, when the people with whom I’ve forged relationships exist in the ever-shifting cloud of relativity, when how I know you isn’t a categorical imperative.

So far my G+ circles (and FB lists for that matter) are based on where I know people from. But the closeness of the friendship, besties vs barelys and everything in between hasn't been monitored. Perhaps because I haven't shared widely enough there. Perhaps because it feels artificial. Perhaps because I know my own Venn Diagrams intersect and loop and morph and move.

At my birthday party this week there will be a dozen (or few dozen) friends. No one will know all of them. (Including myself because it's a joint birthday party and my Venn Diagram overlaps with the birthday boy for "Dancing" and other random people. But we don't even share all of the same dancing people.) Most of the people there are in the "Circle" of my current city. Or my current school. But others are from my past with only the slightest connection to my current life. Enough to know they're in town for the date.

It's funny though. This is one of the few times of the year when I make an effort to introduce my circles. Classmates. School friends. Cohort. (Yes, they're all slightly different.) Dance at school. Monday night dancers. (Again, surprisingly different groups.) Church. College. When I taught. Friends of friends. I classify people in my head right and left. I just don't explicitly tell the Internet Companies what those people mean to me.

Weekend Snapshots

The boyfriend I just met asked how I know his girlfriend. "We met on Twitter." Nope, didn't really know each other before that. Just it's a small group we interact with, so we eventually found each other.

~~~

Sitting in the bar listening to bands play. Chatting with friends and people watching in aticipation. Knowing that once the music changed ever so slightly my crew would descend upon the dance floor. The other people wouldn't know what happened.

~~~

Blueberry picking. And nibbling. And BLUEBERRIES.

~~~

Driving home and playing which is sketchier: the strip club billboards or the fireworks billboards. Strip clubs almost always have exit numbers. The fireworks didn't. And they had fine print that I couldn't see while driving.

~~~

Trying on heels that make me tall.

Not buying them.

~~~

Watching more Being Erica than is probably good for me.

~~~

Random assortment of friends for the Fourth. Spending the most one-on-one time with the one person I hadn't met before.

~~~

New grill working! Deliciousness. Hamburgers. And tofu. And so many sausages. And veggieburgers. And portabellos. And red peppers.

And this salad.

And mint lemonade. And sweet tea. And Arnold Palmer.

~~~

Never actually grilling the ribs.

~~~

Sunset walk by the beach with two of my girlfriends while others tossed the Frisbee.

~~~

Heading to the beach to see fireworks. South. North. And the illegal immediately local.

~~~

Checking out a new dance venue. Staying from the first song through the last.

Intimidation Technique

I'm super-duper nervous about this statistics camp I'm going to. Never mind that my advisor encouraged me to apply. Never mind that the people here accepted me. And that I've got the funding to travel and be put up in a hotel and everything. The other people are going to be professors. And I don't know anything about the software we're using. And my data's not right. (I have no evidence for this, I'm just concluding that there's no way it's right.)

To make myself less intimidated, I Googled the guy being picked up from the airport at the same time as me. Navy SEAL. Who won some sort of awards in techniques that seem like they could be fundamental for this week and I don't have. In other words, not helpful.

I elaborated the story to make him more intimidating. Basically, he used the stats we're learning this week to locate Osama. Really, he's the reason Bin Laden is dead.

If I make him so fantastic that it can't be true, he'll be less intimidating. Right?

Graduation

20. Attend my sister’s graduation.

Check! And congratulations. I love you.

I feel sexy.

Checked off the list of things that I never thought I'd do: pole dancing class.

A leader in the the graduate women group's took a class a year ago, got hooked, and has been promoting it since then. She got a group of us to take it (at a discounted rate), so.....

Lessons/Points
1) No mirrors in the studio, because we're too likely to be self-critical. If it feels good, it looks good.
2) Take all the time in the world. (During warm-ups.)
3) Pole tricks, even easy-ish ones, are HARD.
4) I'm going to be sore tomorrow. Can see how this ends up being part of a weekly workout routine.

I'd be tempted to sign-up for one of the real classes. (Meet with the same group once a week for a couple of months in level 1. Then move to level 2....) But super-expensive. And while I do like the sexy feeling, confidence boosting, endorphin happiness, I can get a year of yoga at school for the cost of 2 months of level 1 classes.

And ending the night with blues dancing reminds me, there are other types of sexy dancing too.

Analyze this

I woke up before my alarm this morning. Only problem is that my last dream was so stressful, I was in tears. (Funny thing though, after I started going over the stress-edge in my dream an emergency therapist was called to talk sense to me. I didn't need to analyze my dream when I woke up because I'd already analyzed it in my sleep.) So I decided to turn on the radio news and snooze instead of getting up when I was aiming to.

Doubt Comes In

Yesterday was one of those days where I fear I'm inadequate.

Yesterday, it was the school fears. I'm not a good enough writer. (At least not academically.) I don't think analytically enough. I don't know enough background about my research area. I can't even define my question. Is grad school where I should be? Maybe I'm better off finding a teaching job again. I'm pretty good at TAing.



This morning I woke up to my annual review feedback e-mail. I saw it in my inbox, decided I couldn't handle it. Closed my e-mail. Went back to cleaning and cooking. Last night's doubts becoming this morning's fears.

The food got done and I decided I'd rather know the bad news before my morning off. Went back to the e-mail. All good.

Really?

Oh yeah. We're excited for your progress. Keep up the good work. Much relief.

(And yes, of course. Everyone else isn't surprised. Whatever. Because DOUBT is just as serious an enemy of productivity as cockiness is.)

Best Friend

Chatting with my professor after a meeting today, I touched on the topic of my moving growing up. After a discussion of how that's shaped me, she asked "Do you have a best friend?"

~~~

Ummmm. wow. I was silent for a few seconds before replying, "I have different best friends from different areas of my life."

That is how I describe people: My best friend from grad school who's not in my department. My best friend from my first year teaching. My best friends from my hall freshman year. One of my best friends from camp. My friend that I still keep in touch with from high school. I mean, my last post referenced my best guy friend, but really his title is "my current best guy friend who really we weren't that close in college and then we supported each other through those outcast jobs and then he moved here two weeks after I did...."

~~~

I've thought before that my formula for determining my best friend is some function of:

• length of friendship
• current rank of closeness
• peak rank of closeness
• how quickly we reconnect after time apart
• how much I don't actually think about this formula because obviously they're in my top friends list

~~~

Robert Putnam (whose book I really need to read) and others who study the General Social Survey talk about how Americans have fewer and fewer close friends. Shrinking social networks no matter what Facebook tells us.*

I don't think my delay in answering the question was due to not having close friends. I think it was the way I categorize friends.

But I think I'm also going through friendships in transition. The process of losing touch with people I was once close to. Realizing that some of the connections I've made here won't follow the friendship trajectory I originally placed them on--some because I didn't expect to be friends at all, others because I expected to be much closer. Bracing myself for further separation as people move. If I knew who my best friends were, say 10 months ago, I'm not sure the same holds true anymore. Maybe.

Are they your best friends if they change?


~~~

Tomorrow morning I get to have breakfast with one of my best friends from college. We haven't seen each other in almost 3 years. Rarely figure out the time zones enough to schedule a Skype call. And who knows when we'll manage to see each other again. I'm super excited to catch up. And need to straighten my apartment so I can show her around.

My life may never fit the sitcom style. The core group of three to five bestest buds who hang out together at the same bar/coffee shop/apartment. But the best friend model has never been my style. And I think that's okay.





*Speaking of which, one of my best camp friends and I became Facebook friends this weekend. Love how one of the few people who I've kept in touch with since before I went to college, someone who I've traveled the better part of a day to visit, someone who can ask about my other friends who she's never met hasn't been labeled a friend in the new normal way. (And that several of my other best friends still aren't.)

Letter to The Woman My Best Guy Friend is Monogamous With

Dear G,

I’m not allowed to not like you. It hasn’t been said, but it’s been made clear nevertheless.

It’s funny because he’s never been nervous about me meeting a girlfriend before. (Though when confronted he denied the nerves.) Granted the major ones I already knew. It’s just the non-major ones that I’m somehow never introduced to. I miss the concert or party or whatever group event that is the relationship debut. (Because it’s my finals or I already had plans with other friends or, once, I got the date wrong and showed up for the party the next night and had an only somewhat awkward exchange with a roommate who I’d never met.) I’ll hear how everyone else liked her and say, “Well find a time for us to meet each other.” But it always seems to end before that happens.

But you. Girl, the expectations are high. People don’t like you, everybody loves you. The little old ladies are telling you to marry him when they first meet you. Parental eyes are smiling knowingly. At this point I’m expecting rainbows and unicorns handed out when you appear.

And I’m not allowed to not like you.

To be clear, I’m not worried about it. There were about ten minutes when you entered the story where I was frustrated by the way you messed up the narrative. I didn’t like you then. But as your backstory was explained and your character developed I couldn’t stay mad with you. At least by now, I like the stories about you.

I’m not allowed to not like you. Neither am I allowed to contact you prior to an arranged meeting. When I went to IM you back in a window on his computer flashing “Tell her hi,” he freaked. It would be too weird. It’s not my place. I shouldn’t send you a message on Facebook now. Instead I should wait until he messes things up (because, let’s face it, he will). Only then am I allowed, even required, to reach out with some sort of apology-explanation on his behalf. Saying something to the effect of how special you are. That I hope you can work things out.

And even before I meet you, I know that’s true. I hope you can work things out. And that, more than anything, is why I’m not allowed to not like you.

Reverberating boom 6 "one thousands" after the sky changed colors

Thunder and lightening and rain. Maybe we actually are on the warm side of winter.
Amazes me how I much miss this sound. And how comforting I find the fear of the storm.




Though I would trade the sound of wet cars for campers in a heartbeat.

Rules of Travel

Number 1: Always pack your swimsuit.
You never know when you'll decide to use the hotel pool. Or run into friendly people with a hot tub (but you don't want to be too friendly). Or decide to go dancing in the rain. Plus, it doesn't take up much space.

Number 2: Travel to see people over places.
Because people can act as tourguides. And you'll see things that you wouldn't otherwise. Practically guaranteed better food. And, hello, friends. Be with them!

Number 3: (Maybe more of a guideline than a rule) Take the local transportation.
Yes, it's slower. But it's a destination in it's own right. What's NYC without the MTA? Or Chicago without the El? One of my favorite views of DC is from the metro. And you see a different side of the local culture.

Number 4: When staying in a nice hotel, take the soap home.
When it's really nice soap and you're staying multiple nights, get a new bar of soap for every night you stay. (One of my grandparents magazines had an article AGES ago about things the "millionaire next door" does that the rest of us don't. They were big about taking soap home. I've learned to only take the nice soap home. But if I've paid for it one night, I want my soap every night. Miserly, perhaps, but it smells so good.)

11:43 pm Friday

This is not the closest to deadline that I have turned in a final paper. But it is probably the latest.

From my e-mail to my professor, "It is well past time for me to call it a night and hand the baby over. I'm excited to see how a few days away will give the baby time to develop."

Oh baby paper, I hope you grow big and strong in the next few days.

Claiming the good

Some of the happy things from today. (To keep my most recent post from being depressing and to cheer me up before bed.)

• Wearing short sleeves, summer skirt, hot pink tights, and my boots with magnets in them.
• Tasting some of B's Mustard Girl mustard at lunch.
• Walking by the lake with A.
• Phone calls with both of my grandmothers (and no political discussions).
• Homemade frozen pizza with rosemary from my plant.
• Receiving my new favorite tote bag. (Yes, it's NPR. Judge or be jealous. Whichever fits you.) And water bottle too.
• Warm enough to be outside without a coat.
• Sunshine and blue sky.
• Plans to be done writing papers for finals tomorrow (though editing through Friday), go out to a play tomorrow night, and H's visit this weekend.
• Being able to use my university connections to download an article and e-mail it to a teacher friend who wanted read it.
• Oh, and this video.
  

Disappointed

As much as the little visits can build connections, the missed opportunities can shake the faultline underlying a friendship. Because each time it doesn't work out, it tells me that I'm not that important to you.

~~~

It's sad that I don't feel surprised when plans fall through.

~~~

There are lots of opportunities that I miss. More people than I have time to see. And we all have to find some personal time when we can.

I get that.

I just thought you could squeeze me in. Instead I'm feeling shoved out.

Power to look people in the eye

I could wear non-tennis/hiking shoes again today!

Explanation: I've been wearing my Merrells all week because I realized on Sunday that I was twisting my foot funny when I walked and that wasn't good. I was twisting my foot to avoid walking on a blister on the ball of my foot that I got when I went to a party Saturday night.

A party to which I wore my 4-inch stiletto black boots. Check!

I really don't think I would have gotten such the blister if the evening had gone as expected. Cross the street to the bus. Ride downtown. Walk two blocks. Do the party thing. Change into flats and go home.

The two blocks turned into twelve. What can I say? Streets get funny sometimes. Buildings pop up right where you don't need them to be. Walkways aren't clear. I called twice for directions.

But in the end I made it. And got to spend the evening being tall. (Especially since the male half of the guests tended to be going stocking-footed.)

Check plus.

Not talking politics in this post. No really.

“What do you think of the protests in Wisconsin?”

Umm.. I’m sorry, Grandmom. What did you just ask me? Because it sounded like a political question. Wait, you want me to answer that? Erm.. Well. Um. Uh. I mean.

~~~

Supposedly families are the most diverse networks.*Our best friends are people like us. The people we work with chose the job based on similar values. We live in neighborhoods with the type of people we want to resemble. We worship in communities of shared beliefs.

We might know people who aren’t like us, but they’re not who we associate with. If we don’t click with people, then they can fall away from our lives. But family you’re stuck with no matter how different the paths you go down.

~~~

I didn’t come up with the most eloquent answer. I’m a little (but only a little) bit conflicted. Unions can be a big business. They can be part of the problem. But I do believe that the can offer important protection.

“Did you have to join a union when you taught?”

“No, Grandmom. My school wasn’t unionized. I think it could have helped if they had been.”

~~~

We don’t talk politics in my family. At least not that side of my extended family.

Granted, there are cousins who bring up issues sometimes. I missed the summer at the beach where the California cousin said something referring to global warming. The South Carolina cousin protested, “You don’t actually believe that do you?”

But my Grandmother stays out of the conversations. During college, my parents confirmed that she votes the other side of the ticket than I do. I suspected, but didn’t know. It's just not something we discuss.

~~~

“Because you know, when your Aunt was teaching in New York, she had to pay union dues.”

Did she now? How about that.

~~~

I struggle with the deep divide in American culture. I’ve lived in places where I felt way too liberal and places where I identified with the more conservative community members. I carry both of them with me, if only to the extent that I know the arguments on either side. And I hate the other-izing of the opposition. As someone who has been the the minority for over half my life, even in a privileged position, it’s not comfortable.

I firmly believe that the best way for the country, the world, to combat this ostracizing of each other is to talk to people on the other side.

I believe that I have benefited by my relationships with people who are not like me. But I’m not sure that they have been benefited by their relationship with me. I’m afraid that I camouflage too readily. That I know that you’re different from me, but if you don’t figure it out I’m not going to tell you. And if you do figure it out, or ask questions around the issue, I’ll hedge.

~~~

“It’s been good talking to you, Grandmom. I love you.”

“Love you too, sweetie.”




*Don’t ask for my citations, because the best I’ve got is a lecture last year.

How did we become friends

I still love the "How did we become friends?" conversation starter. (Not as a pick-up line. But as a legitimate, "We're friends now. We weren't a year ago. How did that happen?")

J and I were talking today. We're not quite sure how it actually happened. But my favorite line "I knew on the first day of class that I wanted to be friends with you."

"ME TOO!" I squealed.

~~~

Not all of my friends are like that. One of my best friends now is someone who I knew for years before we were more than acquaintances. Sometimes it takes a while.

~~~

And sometimes friendship just happens. Today, I celebrate the easy friends. The ones that are reminiscent of preschool best friends.

"Hey, didn't we click right away? Weren't we meant to know each other? How are we friends? For real? How could we not be friends?"

Cutie Pies

Other teaching roommate was requesting cheesy love songs for a play list. I sent her a playlist. But then started on the videos of songs I don't have.



"Crayola doesn't make a color to draw my love."
Plus, I love patty-cake.



Cute-ness in this video. And they lindy. And adorable couples. Thank you mm for sending it to me. Now I can't listen to the song without wanting to watch the video. (Which is okay, because I don't really hear The Weepies that much otherwise.)



Felt like I needed a third song. And it's a party of a video. Seems like a good way to end the night.

Snow, Show, and Vertigo

This week's blizzard was awesome for at least two reasons.

1. I got to play in snow!

2. Snowstorm sleepovers!

My roommate from teaching and I were talking this evening about how we miss the social life we had in the middle of nowhere. I'm more social in the city and am happy about that. But I miss the weekend getaways. And we both miss the low-key, hang-out at someone's place sleep-overs that were a normal part of the culture out there. Here I feel like I need an explanation or excuse to have a slumber party. It's not the, "so, can I come over for the weekend?" call.

But with the blizzard I could totally say, "Do you want to cancel on dinner tonight or plan on spending the night?" And the next day, I could call my friend from the coffeeshop, saying I'd walked the two miles to get first friend back home. Could I come over to her place? Spend the night? Excellent!

I should make this a more regular occurrence.

Anyway, I've finally uploaded pictures.


Poor cars stuck on every sidestreet.

I still haven't shoveled my car out. (No, we don't have to switch sides of the street.)


The horizon disappeared. "That's why it's called a white-out," my friend told me. "Yes, but I can see the tree. It's not that white out."


There weren't many people out in the morning. It was still snowing, so I guess that's legit. But the people who were out were friendly. Like this guy, taking a photo of the snow plow. He'd been out looking for skis. Couldn't find them.


I wish I had cross-country skis.


Though I'm doubt they'd help me reach the door. Those are supposed to be steps. I'm still not sure how what I walked on matches the ground underneath.


Loved the playgrounds. In the morning.


And in the afternoon.


The slide seemed so much shorter when there was no drop at the end.


Love the patterns of snow sticking to the wall.


Who am I kidding? I just love a good snow!

~~~~

From the Life Checks list:

5. Pay to go to a show by myself (I already go to free ones, but this needs to be something I really want to see)

Check. Bam. I'm doing well on this list.

I've got a subscription for one to the local Broadway tours. Went to my first show all by myself.

Now my subscription is the cheap one. I have nosebleed seats. You really notice the set from the next to last row in the theater. But I got a tip at intermission that there were empty seats to the side of the second row from the front. Totally moved. Didn't get ushered out. 'Cause I'm cool like that. Y'know.

I did miss the gushing about the show with friends afterward. But this performance didn't leave me gushing anyway, so perhaps it was just as well that I wasn't expected to.

~~~

Last part of the title is vertigo. Had a bout of it this morning, which was a new expierence for me. There are enough possible explanations and it subsided quickly and, yes, I'll go to the doctor if it continues, but honestly not too worried about it.

The expirence alerted me to how much I take the sense of balance for granted. When every eye movement, never mind head turning, never mind actually walking, set the room spinning I just wanted to sit absolutely still. Except I'm bad at sitting still. So for now I'm grateful that my sense of balance has returned. And I beg it not to leave me again.