Weekend Snapshots: Last Student Graduation Edition

Things to remember from this weekend:

• The immediate feeling of forgetting what the city is like. Accepting it's a different world.
• Hug attack when my girl saw me.
• "I'm glad you made it," from her mom.
• Gossip sessions with everyone. Hearing their redemption stories.
• Swimming in the lake. Even if I didn't jump off the cliff.
• Wandering trails a mile from where I used to live, but never knew about.
• Being told, "It's good you left when you did."
• Sprinkle ice cream cones and cheese balls.
• Telling the Hallmark movie it's being ridiculous for not having any mud on the cars driving a dirt road to camp. Looking at my dust-covered rental as proof. 
• Getting to know my replacement. A year after she's been replaced.
• Sitting outside writing the goodbye letters.
• Shout-out during the graduation speech. 
• Nicknaming my girl's friend within minutes of meeting him.
• Meeting my other girl's fiance.
• Worrying about their future. Even the ones you don't worry about, you do.
• Seeing past graduates. The one home from military for a few weeks. The baby-daddy holding his kid. The college-girl set to graduate. The runaway this time honestly released from jail. The college freshman pumped for next year. The gangsters chilling.
• "I knew this is what you were getting me." "Good. I mean, I told you years ago. Had to look hard to get the right color pink."
• Interrupting conversation every few minutes with, "Wow. You really can see the eclipse."
• Failed cell phone calls. Of course.
• Cooking with the roommate. Because we miss doing that.
• Getting a warning for speeding. Despite a rental car and an out of state license.
• Realizing I never spent time in the city when I lived here.  Driving new routes, discovering better food, exploring new parks.
• Reconsidering calling a place this size a city.
• Reading this post in the airport. Watching the video. Finally starting my cathartic cry.

[Edit: things that I forgot]

• Watching Grey’s and sharing a bottle of good wine, because that’s what we do.
• Going out stargazing. Deciding not to turn around, but to follow the other path back. Failing to find the other path. (Ooops.)
• 34 graduates. Optimistic 9 going away to college. Cross your fingers for that ninth one.

An exciting day

I'm reading various ethnographies of small towns. Which means I want to take notes on my visit to my parents town (pop 3,700).

First clue that something was up was when three cop cars drove down the road as dad was walking home.

Second clue was when the janitor called to make sure it was safe to go into the church because the police were all around the building.

Third clue was the phone call from a neighbor that there was an escape from the county jail (a few blocks down the road).

Ahhhhhh. Got it.

I walked around town with my visiting friends. We got to see the town sitting on their porches watching the helicopter. Chat with the deputy who I'd met Christmas caroling a few nights ago. Heard the whole story.

About a half hour ago we got the call that they caught the guy. My mom's been on the phone since letting various people know. Part of me wants to go interview people to find out what story they heard, from who, and when they heard it. But more of me says that this isn't the research I should focus on just now.

That and I'd need IRB for anything

Snow, Show, and Vertigo

This week's blizzard was awesome for at least two reasons.

1. I got to play in snow!

2. Snowstorm sleepovers!

My roommate from teaching and I were talking this evening about how we miss the social life we had in the middle of nowhere. I'm more social in the city and am happy about that. But I miss the weekend getaways. And we both miss the low-key, hang-out at someone's place sleep-overs that were a normal part of the culture out there. Here I feel like I need an explanation or excuse to have a slumber party. It's not the, "so, can I come over for the weekend?" call.

But with the blizzard I could totally say, "Do you want to cancel on dinner tonight or plan on spending the night?" And the next day, I could call my friend from the coffeeshop, saying I'd walked the two miles to get first friend back home. Could I come over to her place? Spend the night? Excellent!

I should make this a more regular occurrence.

Anyway, I've finally uploaded pictures.


Poor cars stuck on every sidestreet.

I still haven't shoveled my car out. (No, we don't have to switch sides of the street.)


The horizon disappeared. "That's why it's called a white-out," my friend told me. "Yes, but I can see the tree. It's not that white out."


There weren't many people out in the morning. It was still snowing, so I guess that's legit. But the people who were out were friendly. Like this guy, taking a photo of the snow plow. He'd been out looking for skis. Couldn't find them.


I wish I had cross-country skis.


Though I'm doubt they'd help me reach the door. Those are supposed to be steps. I'm still not sure how what I walked on matches the ground underneath.


Loved the playgrounds. In the morning.


And in the afternoon.


The slide seemed so much shorter when there was no drop at the end.


Love the patterns of snow sticking to the wall.


Who am I kidding? I just love a good snow!

~~~~

From the Life Checks list:

5. Pay to go to a show by myself (I already go to free ones, but this needs to be something I really want to see)

Check. Bam. I'm doing well on this list.

I've got a subscription for one to the local Broadway tours. Went to my first show all by myself.

Now my subscription is the cheap one. I have nosebleed seats. You really notice the set from the next to last row in the theater. But I got a tip at intermission that there were empty seats to the side of the second row from the front. Totally moved. Didn't get ushered out. 'Cause I'm cool like that. Y'know.

I did miss the gushing about the show with friends afterward. But this performance didn't leave me gushing anyway, so perhaps it was just as well that I wasn't expected to.

~~~

Last part of the title is vertigo. Had a bout of it this morning, which was a new expierence for me. There are enough possible explanations and it subsided quickly and, yes, I'll go to the doctor if it continues, but honestly not too worried about it.

The expirence alerted me to how much I take the sense of balance for granted. When every eye movement, never mind head turning, never mind actually walking, set the room spinning I just wanted to sit absolutely still. Except I'm bad at sitting still. So for now I'm grateful that my sense of balance has returned. And I beg it not to leave me again.

Bias

When scientists in my profession publish results of their investigations they try not to reference other studies more than twenty or thirty years old. Those works are considered outdated, superseded by later investigations presumed more worth because more recent. Like the echoing mantra of Eminent Domain, the science that guides us seems anxious to discard the old, bring in the new. This casting aside of history may partly explain why, the older I get, the more I’m fascinated by it.

An old book I have describes the invasion of the Great Plains by cattle. The book smells like the libraries I inhabited during my dispersal years and where I first discovered girls who like reading. Does that bias my appreciation for it?

~page 80, Grass: In Search of Human Habitat by Joe C. Truett

Reflecting on address

I've finally gotten through the official paperwork transition to living in the city. After 10 months in my apartment, I switched driver's licenses today.

Registered to vote too.

And got the title of the car figured out. (I'd already changed the plates.)

---

My old place didn't have an address.

I looked at the map the UPS guy had in his truck. My trailer wasn't there. It's the same map the emergency services used, so I made up an address based on the neighbors'. Put it on the fridge in case we needed it.

Honestly, I don't even remember the street.

But driver's licenses require a street address. The PO box won't do. "Ummm....I live in teacher housing?" I offered when asked. So my official address for those years was Tchr Hsing.

---

Today I got asked if I wanted to include my apartment number on my new license.

I didn't. Figured it was safer not to. The lady checking me through agreed.

When I said I lived in teacher housing, it was with the confidence that people would be able to find me in town. Just find the school security guard. It's not that hard.

Even with the street address given, I still feel more hidden here.

I'm not from Rome

I love the This I Believe essay entitled "Always Go to the Funeral." It's something I connected with. When people are mourning you do what you can to show support. Whenever someone's having a hard time, you do what you can.

And so, I ended up at a wake for a student's grandmother this evening. (The funeral's during school tomorrow, so I'll miss it.) I'm decent at funerals, but visitations....I went to the one for my great-grandfather. I don't think I've been to any others. It's not a tradition I'm familar with in my own culture. Trying to learn what to do in a different culture makes it all the more confusing. I ask for guidance from people I work with. They tell me that I'll learn. But still, I feel like it can be such an awkward blending of cultures. Being the outsider from the encroaching culture brings home the feeling that I'm not "from Rome." I'm just copying the Romans the best I can, asking what we're doing so I can learn the motions for myself.

working harder than 9 to 5

I'm not sure I want to go back to real work.

Lesson planning takes up so much time. Prepping for school eats up my life.

Last week we had testing. I had free time. I got to school 15-30 minutes later (between 7:50 and 8:05). I left earlier. (Except for family night.) I didn't plan forever after I got back. Instead I went for walks. Cooked good food. Talked to friends. Read books. (The fact that I've had three short weeks in a row now is also contributing here.)

It's been lovely catching up with people. Honestly, falling out of touch like we have can make me sad. Even though it is because we're busy with other adventures. Icky schedules not meshing. Time zones. Work hours. Spotty service. Traveling. Visitors. You know...that stuff.

Okay.

Six and half more weeks. And then I get to go wander.

Still hate goodbyes

Family visited this weekend. My sister hadn't seen where I live yet, and my parents hadn't been here since I actually started teaching. I'm more settled than I was. More comfortable with where I am. Less stressed-out by what I'm doing. Not that I'm excellent by any means, but that I'm doing a whole lot better. That's reassuring to remember.

On Saturday, we visited one of the "local" tourist destinations. After driving two-and-a-half hours to get there (and drive around some more), I think mom and dad realize why I'm getting used to driving by myself everywhere. The 45-minute drive to their hotel didn't hurt either. I don't think I realize how much I've changed here, but adjusting to distance is still something that I'm working on.

Stircrazy

I've been in town the past three weekends. Really, I haven't been farther than the grocery store (which, granted, is 45 minutes away) since President's Day. And I'm getting restless. I did my lesson planning this morning so I'd have the afternoon off, but then didn't know what to do. I ended up driving to the town with the grocery store, even though most everything is closed on Sunday afternoon.

Three days of school and then I get two days off for spring break. You can bet that I'll be on the road Wednesday evening. I'm visiting a friend a couple of states over. It's about an eight hour drive, so I won't make it there after putting in a day at school. But the cost of the hotel room is totally worth getting away.

I miss being able to window shop in the boutiquey stores. Miss coffeeshops (that I never went in). Miss libraries (that were open when I wanted to use them). And so much more.

Three more months and I'll be through my first year. I'll be back next year. But wherever I end up after this will be more urban. (Though I'm honestly not sure that I could get much more rural in the continental states. It would take some effort. Going more urban, well, if grad school's my next step that's enough.)

Straws that break the back

It's finally getting warm, which is great. I went on a hike yesterday. I love that it's not dark when I go to school in the morning. Sure it's supposed to snow again tomorrow, but really, it's nice.

Except.

The fridge has stopped working.

And the temperature outside means that the car is no longer an extra freezer.

And I don't want all my food frozen. Some I just want chilled.

The freezer is working, so hopefully it's an easily fixable if you know what you're doing thing. But I've already cleared out the ice that was blocking the vent from the freezer to the fridge. And readjusted controls. And the food's just rotting. Smells awful.

And it's not like there's a grocery store I can just run to on a daily basis for what I need. Really this needs to be fixed NOW.

I talked to maintenance this morning. Hopefully this won't take as long as the pipes. Hopefully the bill for it won't be passed back to us (like the price for heating the pipes). The problem with the school being your landlord is that there's no one who's really dedicated to fixing the problems in the same way.

Delayed post...

Today I went to the Post Office.

At least I tried to.

I left the trailer during the hour when the window was open. I wanted to say hi to whoever was working and check if there were updates on the funeral for the father of some students. On my walk over, I stopped to talk to the security guard. We chatted. No updates on the funeral that he'd heard. He loaned me a book. Eventually a friend called, giving me an out. "I need to go clean up before she arrives." By the time I got to the Post Office it was closed. Locked up for the weekend. I thought the front door stayed open until noon, must be 11:30. Alas.

I do love that the weather was nice enough for me to stand outside talking for an hour. Spring is coming!

Traditions distrupted

Sorry I didn't send you a Valentine card.

I'm never good at making them well in advance, but I have making them the night before. Only in previous years I've been able to deliver the cards the next day. Just doesn't work in the middle of nowhere. And, even though I had the past days off, I didn't exactly lesson plan. So last night instead of making Valentines I worked on lesson plans. Bah growing up.

And Happy Valentine's Day by the way.

*Cough*

I'm calling in sick on Friday.

A mental health day is in order. I took a mid-year survey for the organization that placed me here. On it there were some questions along the lines of, "I know where I can go to get mental help if I need it," and, "I would seek mental help if I needed it." I checked disagree. Sure, at orientation they handed us a sheet listing psychologists, but none of them are really near us. I don't have the time to drive to find someone hours away.

After feeling personally attacked for the past week, my prescription for myself is to spend time with people who know me well and who will build me up. There are people here encouraging me, but we just lack the shared history for them to get me where I need to be.

Still frozen...

The hot water's out. Again. They've had the heat machine going at it for two hours and it still hasn't broken. Sewer line's not fixed yet either. I'm going over to another teacher trailer for a shower.

The maintenance set-up has gotten progressively more elaborate over the past EIGHT days. These pictures are from last Thursday. Since then we have more of a road block. It's kind of impressive. Except I'm not sure that it's getting anything done.

Bah.



Hopefully the view from my window will soon be happier than this.

Duly Inspired

I feel like I should have learned about TED before. Talks about Technology, Entertainment, and Design. Great stories, talks. Short and intense. I just watched my first video and think I may have found some sort of substitute for the talks I miss from college. (Because, let's face it, my current location had plenty of cultural experiences, but it's not the high culture and certainly not the intellectually challenging fun that I was devoted to in college.)

I totally subscribed to the podcast of this. (And yes, I know some of the talks from college are available online, but most of them are amazing because you're there and the way I shared them with the people around me. Think of lunch. Think of the notebook. You know what I mean. Not the same watching a video.)

I actually had heard of TED earlier this school year via one blog or another. But I just went to the website and was overwhelmed by the selection, couldn't really figure out what it was. If you need a place to start and you like inspirational stories, watch Bill Strickland's talk. It's the one I started with. (The only one I've finished watching so far....) It gives me hope about what school can be, even in situations like the one here. Inspiration indeed.

Musings on surroundings

We turned on the heat yesterday. Hopefully, the electrical company will be by soon to adjust settings so that we can pay less for the electricity used to heat the trailer. I haven't unpacked many of my winter clothes yet, but they're coming out fast. Wind, rain, and temperatures in the 40's encourage that.

Yesterday I went to a craft fair in the big town nearby. Got one of the other young teachers to come with, which was a good way to get to know her better. (I also learned a back road,so the trip's only 35 minutes!)

I found out about the fair from one of the older teachers at the school. We ended up having lunch with her and half of the women in her extended family (mother, sister, sister-in-law...). It was great to be with a family. Great to be welcomed into the community here.

But it also helps me remember why my trip back to visit college last weekend was so amazing. Being reminded that I have (close) friends my own age. I've been in the bubble with people my own age for so long, it seems odd not to be surrounded anymore. I've always been adopted by older church members, so I'm comfortable with the setting here. It's just healthy to remember that I have friends of all ages and that's okay.

trying to think of the good

First the bahness (sometimes just little things that I feel like I should take care of when I get the time):

• The dishes are piling up in the sink.
• My no-longer housemate's dad called two days ago. The battery on the phone was dead because she'd left it in her room. We listened as he left the message. The machine's still blinking. For some reason the number and the play button's blinks are out of synch.
• I should empty the trash from my room.
• At some point I need to get to the BIG town to recycle and have car insurance office see that I have a car.
• There are papers covering my desk at school in a variety of piles I don't want to think about.
• Good problems for worksheets are harder to come up with than you'd think.
• And worksheets are boring. Maybe I'll get it together enough to come up with some sort of game activity by Friday...of next week. Or next month.

Ah well.

Good things:

• The counselor/adviser who's class is on one side of me and office is on the other--she's there for hugs whenever I need them. And medicine. And prayers. And a listening ear.
• Seeing friends and actually getting to socialize at class.
• Borrowing books from other people (note again, not the library, it hasn't moved to the new school yet).
• Stress foods in the form of fruit. (Watching my grocery shopping spree last Saturday, when I was hungry and stressed, was amusing. 15 pounds of flour. I had to get three types.)
• Listening to NPR when I have an internet connection and Taize podcasts when I don't.

and then there were two....

I'm still here.

And really, things have been going okay so far. I mean, yeah, the school is a total organizational NIGHTMARE (someday it'd be really nice to have a roster of who is supposed to be in my class. And not have student's schedules changed over and over and over).
Yeah, I feel really bad for my second period class (first is prep) because I get so much better when I know what they didn't get.
Yeah, it's frustrating not having a sense of where students are or what I can do to reach them (and that applies to the physical, educational, emotional....)

But I can tell that I've already taught them stuff. (Or maybe just reminded them of what they knew. But I promise you, it'd been long forgotten.)
And I had a student tell me that I make him laugh. (I think it was a good thing).
And I haven't really had behavior problems. (Sure there's the ones who don't want to work. But we'll see how I can get through to them. Day by day. If they come. Or I find out who is supposed to be in my class.) The custodian told me that my room is always clean, but he does it anyway. I think this is a good sign.
And my kids are actually following the procedure to come in and get started on their math journals. Grumbling, but doing it. I feel like things are getting done.

All in all, I'm happier than I expected/feared. Feeling good at this point. Knowing more bad will come. But still confident that I can handle it.

But losing another housemate is hard. Apparently I'm not good at the tough love thing. Want too much to understand what's going on. Wanting to support decision to leave if that's what's necessary. Knowing that I can't be in someone else's head. Wishing things were different. Not sure how my support network will change.

i should buy this song

wake me when the sun is not a secret
and all of its reflections speak in color
collapse the letters, perhaps they're better unknown
convenience via industry is deceiving
we can travel so far in seconds, but we're covering cars' complexion
protecting our investments

the luxury of salary is rewarding
improving conditions, improving efficience
but all the corresponding course of reaction
and equal distraction is a burden
it's a burden

we are blessed, we are cursed in our abundance
we are pressed to have worth in terms of tangibility
we are blessed to be settled without worry
we are cursed to forget we are in need
we are blessed, we are blessed upon our knees
we are blessed, we are blessed upon our knees

the market will fluctuate with hopes to manipulate our need
the patterns of the sun remain concrete
beauty is simple but we, we find favor in a mess of synthetics
we are hungry
beauty is simple, but we, we find favor in a mess of synthetics
we are hungry
beauty is simple, but we, we find favor in a mess of synthetics
we are worried

i heard that the economy is receding
but the sun still warms my skin

~Joel P West, Settled Without Worry


It would figure that the song featured on NPR's Open Mic is my least favorite of his songs. I'm not convinced to buy the whole cd, his sound is too consistent. One song blends into another to the point that I almost don't realize that I've switched. They're pretty simple sounding, but I like the lyrics of this one and the other one I've quoted. They seem to fit my life right now in one way or another.

something out a dream

It was foggy on our walk to school today.

As my housemates and I were walking, we saw six horses emerge out of the fog. They galloped in front of us and turned onto the old track before disappearing again.