Showing posts with label grad school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grad school. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Logistics fail? Or an explanation of the next post

The warning signs were there. The request was last minute (though I was never actually told the deadline). I sent a couple of questions back and the reply took longer than I was expecting.

Normally favor requests from strangers get lower priority. But the request got at something on my list. Would I be willing to write a short op-ed or two for a "Room for Debate" style feature for an undergrad online magazine? 

Extra points because the professor who recommended me is the person I've been asking about her experience with the Op Ed Project.

So I wrote a piece. Had a couple of people proofread (THANK YOU!). Submitted it.

And didn't hear back. 

Didn't see anything on the magazine's site with my name. 

Eventually found the second part of the feature. I'd submitted for the first part.

I understand if I submit to a major outlet, I might not hear back from the editor. But it's not that major. And you requested it.

I e-mailed again. Is the piece going to run? If you don't have immediate plans, I'd like to rescind my submission and publish it on my blog. 

I figure now's as good as time as any to actually publish. 

(But I'm not checking the op-ed submission box on my life list yet.)

Friday, March 1, 2013

Hints of beginnings (aka maybe there's hope that I'll graduate after all)

On the bus, I sat to the grad student who I most frequently share an office with.* He'd been out late the night before celebrating with a friend who completed the job market process. Obviously this gets the two of us talking about our current state of "I-have-no-idea-what-next-year-is-going-to-be-like-itis."

But I'm getting an inkling that our advisor is beginning to start what I think of next year....now. (I guess it makes sense. One market ending means the next one's beginning. It's time to recruit the high school juniors to college and all.)

Other Grad Student: I wonder if he's going to have us all go out for dinner at the conference.
Me: Nah. I never see him at conferences.
OGS: He tried to organize something that one time. Of course, it didn't work out.
Me: I think I was behind that.
OGS: That sounds about right.

That afternoon got an e-mail from my advisor inviting me and a handful of his other past and present students to dinner at the conference.

Oh.

* Actually, not my officemate. Funny phrase for a reason.

I was going to write a longer post
and talk about who I hang out with at conferences
instead of my advisor.
Or, often, other people from my program.
But I finished my oatmeal and should go catch the bus again this morning.  

Monday, July 30, 2012

Moving Melancholy

There is no reason why this move should churn up emotions.

None.

I'm switching offices. We all are. It's an office switch-a-roo. I'm not saying goodbye to people.* I'm not  changing job descriptions.** I'm not even having to carry all my books myself.***

And yet, sitting beside my boxes, sorting through the papers I printed for classes, deciding what to keep and what can be recycled, there it is.

Part sadness. Part nostalgia. Part anxiety about the future and what comes next. The wondering of how things will work in the new place.

It's ridiculous. Especially when compared to other people who are actually MOVING. Friends who are moving across country for grad school. Colleagues who just bought a house. My sister texted me WHILE I WAS SITTING NEXT TO THESE BOXES saying that she'd just left the house where she's spent the past year. For the last time. My switch has NOTHING on them.

But sometimes you have to embrace the ridiculous to get past it. Acknowledge that this comes from years of past moves, stress about not getting as much done as I feel like I should, and the reminder that relationships are changing all the time.

So I'm heading home early today. Stopping by early tomorrow so I can get to my plants before the movers do. And counting on the excitement of unpacking to be as refreshing as the current mood is draining.







*At least not people who I couldn't stop by and say hello to on pretty much any workday.


** Well, not any more than if I'd been in the same office anyway. And really, I'm glad to be at the point where I'm done taking classes.


*** Since it's the Grand Switch-a-roo they're getting movers. I am spoiled I tell you. Spoiled.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Young'un

Finding of the day: I am 8 days older than one of the youngest students in the first year cohort.

She got very puzzled trying to do the math of how I ended up two years ahead of her in the program.

Also, almost everyone I'm TAing is older than me.

Sometimes I forget how much earlier I came to this program than most people do.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

TA needs to vent

Being a TA is hard. It's totally a different ball game than straight up teaching. (And I almost wonder if it is harder because I've been a straight up teacher.)

You have to translate between student and professor. And what you hear are the complaints, so you've got to negotiate how you phrase everything.

You have to grade assignments that you didn't come up with. So there are times where you don't know what's going on. And then you're defending something that you didn't write. (Plus, grading. More grading. MORE grading. Though I don't know how you keep teaching without looking at the grading to have a sense of where the misunderstandings are. I honestly, don't know.)

Also, it's hard to find mistakes in the profs work. I feel embarrassed every time I don't catch something. But I'm reading through for glaring stuff and things will make sense and then, whooops. Nevermind. Yup, students, the answer key to that problem is horribly incorrect. I think. Uhhhhhh.....

Almost worse though are the times where you think you catch something and the prof says, nope, not an error. And then students come back and ask you to explain and you have no idea. Cause you still think it's an error. And then you reference the book and can't find your mistake. Ask some friends and can't find your mistake. So you tell the students that and cross your fingers.

Which is WAY more complicated than when you're the teacher. Then you either a) know why you did something and can explain, or b) know why you did something and can admit your error. This middle ground is a TIME SUCK.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Anxieties

Going to job talks makes me nervous.

Specifically watching people give a job talk for a junior faculty position gets my sympathetic stress hormones pumping.

Especially when they bomb it.

~~~

I'm so afraid that I'll be that person. Standing in front of a room of impressive strangers. Not understanding what their questions are.

~~~

Sometimes I wonder when people realize that this isn't just going "not so well." It must be sometime in the Q&A. When the same question is asked for a third or fourth time, you have to know that it's all gone wrong. And by then you're so frazzled you can't answer the softball questions people are trying to give you.

~~~

It's depressing how memorable the BAD talks are. I don't really remember the details of the Q&A for any of the faculty that have been hired while I've been here (and I went to all of their job talks).

But the bombers, I remember. There was the one who didn't know how one of their key variables was coded. Someone else who couldn't summarize their hypothesis. Today's struggled with the casual inference question. It was painful to watch.

~~~

It's not like we expect them to fail. They're coming from the elite schools. With big name advisers. My adviser told us this afternoon, "And you haven't seen the letters of recommendation on this one."

~~~

I have to believe that I won't do that.

That my committee will actually read my work and makes me think through a lot of hard questions before my job talk.

That coming from an interdisciplinary background I will have heard questions from all sorts of angles. I'll be prepared for them. And hopefully better able to think about the curveballs.

That I will find that balance between owning your work and acknowledging the shortcomings.

That I will remember key phrases. "Wow. That's a really interesting way of looking at the issue. That's a valuable insight. I don't know much about that area, but know that it is your area of expertise. Perhaps we can talk and think about some ways to collaborate?"

~~~

I still feel a long ways away from the job talk. I should be stressing about my finals for the term instead of my finals for grad school life. At this point, the job talk is a low grade, back of the mind under piles of other projects worry, dug out when I listen to other people. Another month until this search is over and then I'll bury it again.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Weekend Snapshots:Bday Reunion

One of the things I miss about my time in TFA is the way weekends were times for roadtrips and social breaks. So when my roommate invited me to her party, I superwanted to go.

~~~

Actually managed to make progress on my essay midterm on my trip out there. Successful work!

~~~

At the liquor store. Oh, there's a free wine tasting? Nice timing.

~~~

Long wait for dinner. Go to boutique next door to wait. In the ~25 minutes I managed to buy 2 dresses and 1 shirt. Color Me Red has a superfun line of knit dresses, but I can't find much info about 'em online.

~~~

Pumpkin curry served in a pumpkin. I think all pumpkin should be prepared this way.


Dessert that included sweet sticky rice and a hot custard. No idea how to make it, but loved it!

~~~

Hot pumpkin cocktail. I guess I'll allow some pumpkin to be prepared this way.

~~~

One beauty of our particular TFA experience is that it doesn't take many people coming to have a decent reunion. Two other people roadtripping out. Some local friends joining up. Ended up having about a third of a corps year together. Including people I hadn't seen since I left. Reunions are happy.

~~~

Working at fun coffeeshop while sipping an amazing Chai Tea. And catching up with my classmate who moved away.

~~~

Pedal pub party!


I loved seeing other people's reactions.

Please note the driver is taking our photo.

We rode past a wedding party 3 times while they were taking photos. The last time, their photographer started photographing us. I hope we wind up in their wedding album.

~~~

Bars and music and late night breakfast at the 24-hour diner. I got in trouble for trying to close the refrigerator door. Just want to help them lower their electric bill.

~~~

Breakfast with college friend. Complete with another college person walking into our cafe. He'd never been in there before. I'm never in town. And yet, there you have it.

~~~

Adorable kids in the row in front of me on my way back home. Singing my song from Thursday. Practicing math problems. Taking naps. Clapping when the baby across the aisle stopped crying. Pointing out every farm they noticed.

~~~

Getting my midterm complete (if blah) and turned in!

~~~

Chatting with my seatmate. Getting her on Ravelry. Showing off ALL my pictures from the weekend. And getting a ride home from her parents at the end of the ride.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Sorting of Days

There are days where I sit at the computer frustrated. Willing words onto the screen. (Or formulas from my fingers. Or understanding through my brain. But mostly they’re the writing days.) Those are the days where I question this life path.

But then there are the days where I feel like I’ve made some progress (no matter how small, you celebrate the progress). Days where I experience success as a teacher (well, as a TA for now, but when I hold session it feels the same).

And then there are the magic days where everything seems to fall in place. Or at least I feel like I’m making headway on research and I get to teach some. And I hear about someone else’s research that sounds amazing. And those are the days that make me remember how lucky I am.

Let it be known that I wrote this on one of the first days.
As a way to remind myself that the words can come.
Somewhere. Somehow.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Intimidation Technique

I'm super-duper nervous about this statistics camp I'm going to. Never mind that my advisor encouraged me to apply. Never mind that the people here accepted me. And that I've got the funding to travel and be put up in a hotel and everything. The other people are going to be professors. And I don't know anything about the software we're using. And my data's not right. (I have no evidence for this, I'm just concluding that there's no way it's right.)

To make myself less intimidated, I Googled the guy being picked up from the airport at the same time as me. Navy SEAL. Who won some sort of awards in techniques that seem like they could be fundamental for this week and I don't have. In other words, not helpful.

I elaborated the story to make him more intimidating. Basically, he used the stats we're learning this week to locate Osama. Really, he's the reason Bin Laden is dead.

If I make him so fantastic that it can't be true, he'll be less intimidating. Right?

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Doubt Comes In

Yesterday was one of those days where I fear I'm inadequate.

Yesterday, it was the school fears. I'm not a good enough writer. (At least not academically.) I don't think analytically enough. I don't know enough background about my research area. I can't even define my question. Is grad school where I should be? Maybe I'm better off finding a teaching job again. I'm pretty good at TAing.



This morning I woke up to my annual review feedback e-mail. I saw it in my inbox, decided I couldn't handle it. Closed my e-mail. Went back to cleaning and cooking. Last night's doubts becoming this morning's fears.

The food got done and I decided I'd rather know the bad news before my morning off. Went back to the e-mail. All good.

Really?

Oh yeah. We're excited for your progress. Keep up the good work. Much relief.

(And yes, of course. Everyone else isn't surprised. Whatever. Because DOUBT is just as serious an enemy of productivity as cockiness is.)

Friday, March 18, 2011

11:43 pm Friday

This is not the closest to deadline that I have turned in a final paper. But it is probably the latest.

From my e-mail to my professor, "It is well past time for me to call it a night and hand the baby over. I'm excited to see how a few days away will give the baby time to develop."

Oh baby paper, I hope you grow big and strong in the next few days.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Claiming the good

Some of the happy things from today. (To keep my most recent post from being depressing and to cheer me up before bed.)

  • Wearing short sleeves, summer skirt, hot pink tights, and my boots with magnets in them.
  • Tasting some of B's Mustard Girl mustard at lunch.
  • Walking by the lake with A.
  • Phone calls with both of my grandmothers (and no political discussions).
  • Homemade frozen pizza with rosemary from my plant.
  • Receiving my new favorite tote bag. (Yes, it's NPR. Judge or be jealous. Whichever fits you.) And water bottle too.
  • Warm enough to be outside without a coat.
  • Sunshine and blue sky.
  • Plans to be done writing papers for finals tomorrow (though editing through Friday), go out to a play tomorrow night, and H's visit this weekend.
  • Being able to use my university connections to download an article and e-mail it to a teacher friend who wanted read it.
  • Oh, and this video.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Do I know you? The game

After church I'm approached by a woman about my age. Not surprising, I just joined and people were told to greet us.

You look familar.

A quick glance. Y'know, maybe.

So do you.

And like that the game is begun.

~~~

Begin by listing affiliations. The last place I worked. My college. Nope. Not that.

She went to grad school at the place where I'm at now. Graduated in 2009 with a degree in chemical engineering.

Were you involved with the graduate women's group?
Yes!


Ah ha! We found it. But no. Wait. You graduated in 2009. I started in 2009. That couldn't be it.

And then I figure it out.

~~~

Megan? You're Sara's friend! You went to that church!*

Fifteen months ago, I visited her church. It was my first time attending there. Possibly her last. Four of us went out for brunch after the service--two old, two new. We friended each other on Facebook, but that was all. She was moving out of the life that I was entering.

~~~

There's a neat parallel to her greeting me after I joined today. A validation that it's okay for me to not be joining the church where she originally greeted me.

~~~

I've invited her to our Sunday School class. Who knows, maybe we'll end up real life friends yet.


*Names changed. As always. Initials just lost too much of the feel here.

And thus she joins the unknown guy from college who I ran into in DC
and the illustrator who I met at an arts festival and then saw at church
in the list of people with whom I have successfully won the game

Friday, December 10, 2010

Notes to Self

Finals are done! As is the rewrite of the midterm that I was whining about. Whew. This is a finals period I will not miss. Though it did mark my first time ordering delivery pizza to the office. Or really, maybe, ever.


While I was trying to churn out pages, I left a lot of notes to myself in the margins. The two people who read my drafts when I was present laughed at one or the other at some point. So I'm saving some of my favorites. (And then deleting extra files from the computer. Common theme tonight.) Not sure this will be interesting to anyone other than future me. And not positive about that one either.

~~~

  • Blargh. Need to get something done here, but just don’t wanna. Whine whine whine. But I’m spoiled by this lifestyle and really should work for it.
  • I thought I knew what I was talking about, but now I’ve lost all confidence. It’s hard to care anymore.
  • Same word? Really?
  • Right word?
  • Ditto.
  • Ugh, that word again. Suggestions for what to use instead?
  • I got sick of typing curricula/curriculum currici-ick new word please! Can change it back if you think I should
  • I wanted to use prognosticate but I didn’t. Marvel at my restraint
  • Feel like [prof] won’t like my phrasing here. But it makes sense to me. BAH.
  • I like this paragraph. Please tell me it’s okay.
  • Don’t need [the author's] first name. Even if I want it
  • Hate this sentence. Just needed something here
  • Bullshit
    Not including it as the close of the sentence, but kinda want to
  • Okay that citation is ridiculous
  • Add a bit more here. Make it fancy
~~~

Closing observation. Apparently I don't use punctuation to close the last sentence in these notes to myself. Work on that