Swing

To celebrate I went for a walk in the park and called my grandparents (rather than wait for them to call at a less opportune time). Ended up sitting in a swing.

It'd been criminally long since my feet kissed the sky and my head reached for the ground. (Please ignore the dipping I've done at dances.)

~~~

The Swing

By Robert Louis Stevenson

How do you like to go up in a swing,

Up in the air so blue?

Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing

Ever a child can do!

Up in the air and over the wall,

Till I can see so wide,

Rivers and trees and cattle and all

Over the countryside—

Till I look down on the garden green,

Down on the roof so brown—

Up in the air I go flying again,

Up in the air and down!

~~~

When we moved before tenth grade I was devastated. I'd settled into ninth grade. I had my friends. I had good courses. And, even though the rest of my family was miserable, I'd been happy.

But at the new house, the church playground was practically in our backyard. The first night there, I went out to the swingset. Back and forth. Imagining my new life. Until the rainbow appeared on one side of the sky and the clouds were dipped in gold on the other side.

~~~

Walking back from church sophomore year of college, we would stop by the playground across from my house. I don't think I've seen the pictures my friend took then. But whether kicking the leaves, leaving traces in the snow, or weaving through flowers, I felt as comfortable with his camera then as I ever have. Less self-conscious. More self.

~~~

First year teaching, the swingset was a longer trek. We'd stop by on our way to wander on the woodland path near the town with the decent sized grocery store. The swings were part of our meditation. Remembering the schools we attended. Connecting them to where we taught. Wondering about the chasm between.

~~~

As I watched my feet today, I flash through other swings they've been on. Give them up to the sky. Throw my head as long as I am able. Feel the world rush by.

Claiming the good

Some of the happy things from today. (To keep my most recent post from being depressing and to cheer me up before bed.)

• Wearing short sleeves, summer skirt, hot pink tights, and my boots with magnets in them.
• Tasting some of B's Mustard Girl mustard at lunch.
• Walking by the lake with A.
• Phone calls with both of my grandmothers (and no political discussions).
• Homemade frozen pizza with rosemary from my plant.
• Receiving my new favorite tote bag. (Yes, it's NPR. Judge or be jealous. Whichever fits you.) And water bottle too.
• Warm enough to be outside without a coat.
• Sunshine and blue sky.
• Plans to be done writing papers for finals tomorrow (though editing through Friday), go out to a play tomorrow night, and H's visit this weekend.
• Being able to use my university connections to download an article and e-mail it to a teacher friend who wanted read it.
• Oh, and this video.
  

Puddles on a Clear Day

Though here's proof that water was involved (for part of the day).


Some days I marvel at how much I've changed.

This evening's been a reflection at how much some things stay the same.

Listened to the new Belle and Sebastian album. (Thanks NPR!) Flashback to junior year. Writing a paper for Annette. Listening to their live concert as it streamed on NPR's website. Driving to the coast to talk to my parents' friend about her career. Hanging out with D. It's been a while since I listened to them on repeat. I didn't realize how much I still liked them.

I've listened to Ghost of Rockschool over 5 times now. (Probably over 10 times. It ends and I click over and start it again.) I'm pretty positive the song would have been my favorite five years ago too.

I've seen God in the sun
I've seen God in the street
God before bed and the promise of sleep
God in the puddles and the la-de-sum-eise
I've seen God shining up from her reflection

Feet are mine
The car is someone else's
Both photographed this afternoon

Tell it like it is, girl

Love eavesdropping on early-high-school girls.

I'm just gonna go up to him and say we need to establish a relationship.

Bam. I should start doing that.

Musings on music and memories

I like making playlists in iTunes.

Some are time specific--Middle School Dance.
Or genre specific--Popular phase rockness.
Some are mood specific--Calming.
Remind me of a place--Camp associations.
Or a general idea of a life situation--Cheesy Lovely.
Sometimes I pick a word for a theme--Mail call.
Or my general mood--Nonsense syllables.

There are over 50 lists (after that I stopped counting).

Exactly two are named after people. Created to remind me of our relationship.

Two friends who never met each other. At one point I'm sure they knew of each other.

The two friends who attended camp with me for years (different camps). The ones who my college friends heard stories about when I talked about my childhood.

The two friends from my life before high school who I have any semblance of contact with now. Though it's pretty scarce.

One of them got married a few weeks ago. I went to the wedding because I needed that connection with my past. It's selfish, but made sense. Processing my emotions from her wedding has made me think more about the other one.

During tenth grade we e-mailed daily. In addition to frequent IM conversations. When I wrote him last weekend my subject, "Want more than an annual check-in," sums up our current communication.

Hearing back from him brightened my day. He's engaged now, to a girl I only know of from college away messages. And I'm happy for him. And happy that I'm happy. (I really was a mix of emotions after the wedding.)

I'm listening to my mix named after him. It must sound random to my housemate, but it makes me smile. Screaming summer. And dancing. And laughing at ourselves. Songs that became the subjects of our e-mails to each other. (I attribute my country music playlist to him.) Songs from away messages. Smiling in the comfort that while these songs don't describe either of us in our current lives they capture a snapshot of my past. It's nice to know that no matter how out of touch we are, some things don't change.

Sweet Tooth

Yesterday my sweet tooth was wanting attention. I didn't quite want cookies. Didn't have time to make a cake. Missed ingredients to make a pie.

But I looked through some cookbooks and found a recipe for lemon squares. It sounded perfect, and it more or less was.

It should be noted that I love lemon bars, but I don't like the ones that are more crust than lemon. This one was amazing. Somehow the crust ended up on top. I need to repeat it to get a better sense of how it works. That shouldn't be too hard, I just finished the last piece and already want more.

It should also be noted that this is from a cookbook put out by the library of a small, southern town. (Other treasures in it include grits casserole, liver nips, fried chitterlings, at least three fried chickens, General Lee Bread, biscuits, biscuits, and more biscuits, and--my favorite drink name--"hop, skip, and go naked.")

I didn't have lemons on hand, so just used juice from a bottle. Didn't have an 8 x 8 pan, so I just used a pie plate. (Decided there was enough butter in the crust that I didn't need to grease it.)

Here's the adapted recipe.

Lemon Shapes

6 Tbs butter
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup and 2 Tbs flour
2 eggs
2 generous Tbs lemon juice
1/4 tsp. baking powder

Preheat oven to 350.

Use electric mixer to beat butter for 30 seconds. Add 1/4 cup sugar and 1/4 cup flour. (Beat with mixer and then use fork to finish mixing.) Pat dough onto bottom of pie plate. Bake in oven for 15 minutes.

While baking, beat eggs. Add 3/4 cup sugar, 2 Tbs flour, lemon juice (original called for 2 Tbs, I like lemon, so I used ~2.5 Tbs), and baking powder. Beat for 3 minutes (yay electric mixer) or until slightly thickened. Pour over baked crust. Bake in oven (still at 350) for 25-30 minutes. Until the edges are a golden brown and the center is set.

The hard part is letting it cool. But really, it's too gooey right out of the oven to eat without a spoon.

Cut into whatever shapes you're going for and serve.

I shouldn't overanalyze friendships...

The ski trip this weekend was great. I can tell that my ability is on an exponential curve. (Well actually, the graph is probably more logarithmic....but people don't use that terminology colloquially and I'm at the beginning where you improve by leaps and bounds.) I'm sure being on the slopes three days in one week helped.

The highlight was spending time with some of the other people in my organization. I don't hang out with them much. This weekend, I was reminded that the reason for that is because I don't like hanging out in large groups. I really like the people and they like me. (I was told as much several times.) The reminder that there are people here who I want to know better is reassuring.

In another sector of life, I found out from my sister that my college is canceling its orientation trip program. The basic reason given is that not all of the incoming students who wanted to go on the trip were able to (this year 40 students were waitlisted). That the students who go on the trips have friends before the mandatory for all orientation and the students who don't go on trips feel left out.

If you knew me in college, you can imagine that my reaction is visceral. If you didn't know me then, suffice to say that I went on the service trip for four years. Two of my best friends were in my room (of four) my freshman year. I feel like at least half of my friendships were influenced by the trip, whether or not people went on it. (For example, I think of one friend on the trip who then hung out on my freshman floor. And her roommate who came with her. And the way that then her roommate ended up living with people from my freshman floor. I don't know if that group of friends would exist if not for the trip. See what I mean about how I shouldn't overanalyze friendships?)

My mom observed that one of the things I'm dealing with this year is how community is formed. I don't think my organization does a good job of formally building community. There are second-years who I still don't really know. So the idea of my college getting rid of something that works (and that really worked for me) is infuriating.

I think for me there's also a sense of this is a frustration that I can direct, can do something about. There's so much in systems here that I can't influence, I want to exploit the system that I can.

I've written my "strongly worded letter" to be sent to appropriate Deans and campus life coordinators. (It does need to be revised before I send it. For some reason I suspect I should cut lines like, "Canceling the trips is STUPID. DUMB. And a little bit crazy."

If you went to college with me and have the time, I'd love for you to work the system too. Whether you went on a trip or not (maybe especially if you didn't), consider writing a letter of your own. If you need information (newspaper articles or senate minutes), feel free to e-mail me. Even though we won't be going on these trips again, it's one of the traditions that I think should be passed on to future students at out school.

That is all. For now. Maybe.

winding down, don't feel obligated to read

I skipped out on a Valentine's party tonight in favor of some down time alone before going skiing with people this weekend. Then I realized that there was a home game, so I decided to go watch.

Glad I did. It was the girls' last home game of the season. At the end of the first quarter, I commented that while we were behind, we had more than half of the other team's score (based on the other games I'd been too, this was notable). Halftime, a visitor pointed out that we might have a shot at winning, only 10 points behind. For a while we were ahead by 10 points, but with three minutes left in the game the other team scored six points in something like 11 seconds. (I'm not sure how it happened.) Tied. One team would lead. Another would. We won by a free throw with 0.1 seconds left.

I'm up later than I'd planned, so I won't hit the road as early as I'd planned. But the get-away will be all the more fun because I'm leaving town on a high note.

Grades

I've been a slacker in entering grades into our online system. Or to entering some of them in my gradebook. Catching up on it now.

Luckily the grades I haven't checked are mindless participation sheets instead of tests or other work that needs to be graded for accuracy. Still, a recent PhD comic made me smile in sympathy.


Only, I think my timeline is condensed. Change the hours to 10 minutes, undergrads to high schoolers, and I think you've got it.

home alone?

I've enjoyed the company the past several weekends. Getting out skiing. Friends visiting. Visiting friends and the rest of Christmas break. Getting the break from school by being social is great. It helps me put aside the stress of being a teacher in this insane situation.

This weekend I have the trailer to myself. I went grocery shopping on Friday and have holed up since. Really didn't do much yesterday--read in bed, cooked, talked on the phone.

I know people have been moving to this area for ages. But I can't imagine coming here without modern communication technology. Forget the 1800's, I'm not sure how I would do moving here in the early 1990's. I guess I don't use my landline much, but my cell phone gets hours and hours of use. E-mail and blogs keep me sane.  This morning I used Skype for the first time to talk to a friend in Tokyo. We hadn't talked since graduation and it was amazing to catch up. So even though I've been by myself this weekend I feel like I've been super-social.

Today, I have to forget my lazy ways. Need to lesson plan for the coming week. Having the four preps is insane. It'll be interesting to see how I manage to keep up with the year. Balancing the keeping ahead with work and the keeping sane by taking breaks (both "by myself" and with people).

All through the night

Teaching theory is full of the importance of creating and sticking to routines. We're creatures of habit and there's comfort in the familiar. It's simplified, but you get the gist of it. The truth of this has hit home for me in the past couple of weeks as I realize more and more of my own routines.

The most embedded, most comforting routine? Bedtime. It's 10:50 now and I most likely won't be asleep for another hour. Never mind that I'm pretty exhausted. The bedtime ritual takes me an hour. (And some friends already mock me for it.) I only recently connected that each of the parts of the ritual go back to the routine my parents first established for me, not just when I was little, but really when I was a baby.

1. Get clean. Shower. Bath. Brush teeth. Whatever. Connection obvious.
2. Write in journal. I had a journal but didn't write on a regular basis until after I left home. Before then, bedtime officially started when I debriefed the day with whichever parent was putting me down that night. Get out all the feelings that needed to be sorted through in order to rest well.
3. Bible and prayer time. Though I don't memorize verses or prayers the same way I sometimes did when I was at home.
4. Read something completely nonrelated to school. Short stories. Long fiction. Entertaining nonfiction. (Nothing too serious.) This is critical for me and the part that I only recently connected to the bedtime stories my parents read when I was an infant.
5. Lullabye. Actually, this is the one part that I omit most nights here. Though it may be my favorite part. Mom and Dad sang to me until I graduated high school. (When I was little there were multiple lullabyes and each birthday, you're a bit older one less song. Only they never stopped that last song. I think the time meant too much to all of us to consider it.) I definitely will hum a song to myself. Or play my lullabye cd. Or the lullabye playlist on my computer. Because it is so ingrained for me, whenever I hear someone's having trouble sleeping, I'll offer lullabyes. It's my favorite part of bedtime, but the part that translates least well to being on my own.
   

Sorry this is rambly. I should go back and edit. But for now, I'm just going to post and get into that ritual.

and not exactly an engagement ring

(I love lyrics from new to me songs.)

At the fair this weekend I finally found a new ring. I'd worn my ring from camp for about 7 years. Lost it last fall (VERY sad, but it's just a thing too). Luckily, I had an extra ring that I wore afterwards. Unluckily that ring broke during the middle of my senior thesis presentation.

So, new ring. Which is kinda cool. Because the old ring definitely represented a strong part of my past. Maybe this ring will be a symbol of my life here?

In any case, I have something to fiddle with. And I don't feel naked anymore. Strange how even after a few months without a ring I still missed the feeling of it on my finger.

Strange what you do miss. And when. And why.

wanting a clever boy

By the time I got back today from getting license and plates and all (drove well over an hour to get to the big town, in another county, population well less than 5,000), I was getting pretty tired. So I decided not to go to the fair today. Instead spent the night at home, procrastinating by listening to music.

I found this Swedish label that has a policy of having free downloads for title singles. (The "reason" I started browsing was because Pelle Carlberg was the featured Open Mic on NPR recently and I decided I needed to find more music.)

This was my alternative to doing work (that I'm supposed to do for workshop tomorrow). So bedtime and shower and maybe some work? meh

benefits of the phone

As annoying as it is to wait and wait and wait for a call, there are times when telephones are worth it. Like when a student actually does come for their last class of the day (despite missing mine) after I call during lunch. And when I finally (FINALLY) get to talk to people I've been trying to get to answer my questions for a week.

An attempt to remember the positive...

...because otherwise the crazy stress takes over.

The happy long conversations with bunch of friends I hadn't talked to in a while this week.

The power of being in a church so full that when you sing hymns you can barely hear yourself, even when you know you're singing way out loud.

The relief of no lines at the copy center.

The giddyness at being a rebel and borrowing books without others knowledge. (I was desperate. And I promise I'll return it and put it back on the right shelf. And it's not like there's a system in place that will let me check anything out.)

And the further relaxation with new reading material.

The bliss of a long, hot bath. With a trashy magazine to read. And room service cheesecake when I'm done. And cable TV. (And yes, this is drawing on yesterday. But I'm close enough to stressball right now that I'm clinging on to it.)

The hope that there's less that 2 weeks to go here. (Ignoring the fear of the 100 weeks to come.)

A short drive, but a world away....

It's amazing how close vacation can be. The dorm doesn't have hot water. One of my friends was checking into the hotel a half-block away and inviting us over anyway. So I got to enjoy a bath. In a different environment. And eat room-service cheesecake. And watch TV. And now things just seem so much nicer. Despite being back in the brown and beige and slightly moldy smell...

"you play trumpet?"

After hearing my name and that question, I was surprised at how quickly I was able to place the speaker. I only played during middle school, so figuring out what time frame and what location he'd known me in went pretty quickly.

I hadn't seen him since we left middle school, so there was the brief exchange of paths since then. I was curious why he chose to do this. When he returned the question, I pointed to our shared past. "Why weren't you in my honors classes back then?" My classes did not reflect the race makeup of the school, but it's clear that people can be successful despite not being in them (or not successful even though they were there).

Just a reminder of the small world. The way the world shifts. And the reason why I'm here.

ready, set, crash

It's been crazy. Check. But I'm glad I've done the things I've done. I've been able to identify new faces so much. And I think my group will be amazing.

Happy details:

• waking up from nap while on layover (using nalgene for a pillow=sign of exhaustion) and seeing guy I'd met earlier this week arriving to be on my flight
• shuttle pulling up and seeing another guy from our group coming straight at us (turns out he was heading to his car, but he was more than happy to help. excellent)
  
• surprise hug from behind from classmate