Anxieties

Going to job talks makes me nervous.

Specifically watching people give a job talk for a junior faculty position gets my sympathetic stress hormones pumping.

Especially when they bomb it.

~~~

I'm so afraid that I'll be that person. Standing in front of a room of impressive strangers. Not understanding what their questions are.

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Sometimes I wonder when people realize that this isn't just going "not so well." It must be sometime in the Q&A. When the same question is asked for a third or fourth time, you have to know that it's all gone wrong. And by then you're so frazzled you can't answer the softball questions people are trying to give you.

~~~

It's depressing how memorable the BAD talks are. I don't really remember the details of the Q&A for any of the faculty that have been hired while I've been here (and I went to all of their job talks).

But the bombers, I remember. There was the one who didn't know how one of their key variables was coded. Someone else who couldn't summarize their hypothesis. Today's struggled with the casual inference question. It was painful to watch.

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It's not like we expect them to fail. They're coming from the elite schools. With big name advisers. My adviser told us this afternoon, "And you haven't seen the letters of recommendation on this one."

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I have to believe that I won't do that.

That my committee will actually read my work and makes me think through a lot of hard questions before my job talk.

That coming from an interdisciplinary background I will have heard questions from all sorts of angles. I'll be prepared for them. And hopefully better able to think about the curveballs.

That I will find that balance between owning your work and acknowledging the shortcomings.

That I will remember key phrases. "Wow. That's a really interesting way of looking at the issue. That's a valuable insight. I don't know much about that area, but know that it is your area of expertise. Perhaps we can talk and think about some ways to collaborate?"

~~~

I still feel a long ways away from the job talk. I should be stressing about my finals for the term instead of my finals for grad school life. At this point, the job talk is a low grade, back of the mind under piles of other projects worry, dug out when I listen to other people. Another month until this search is over and then I'll bury it again.

Disappointed

As much as the little visits can build connections, the missed opportunities can shake the faultline underlying a friendship. Because each time it doesn't work out, it tells me that I'm not that important to you.

~~~

It's sad that I don't feel surprised when plans fall through.

~~~

There are lots of opportunities that I miss. More people than I have time to see. And we all have to find some personal time when we can.

I get that.

I just thought you could squeeze me in. Instead I'm feeling shoved out.

Midterm Meltdown

Hi [Director of Publications],

It's not an exaggeration to say I stomped into my apartment building this evening. Stressful week at work has tapped into my insecurities and stuff this afternoon had pushed me over the edge. I unlocked my mailbox and there's a magazine in plastic. All of my other subscriptions have arrived in the past week, so I start grumbling to myself about [college alumni magazine] being wrapped in plastic. And why would my college be so environmentally unfriendly. And that's about as far as I got, before actually getting it out of the box and seeing that it's wrapped with the 2011 calendar.

Audible gasp. Yay! Thank you for bringing the calendar back!

I haven't even looked at it yet. But it's already made my evening better.

Thank you!

~~~

Nothing to do with the midterm elections. I'm not even sure it's stress about my Presentation. Everything to do with the stress of school. Playing on my insecurities. Apparently I'm not doing well at expressing myself clearly this term.

Somehow it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one overwhelmed right now.

Also, helpful to have a cohort who knows me well enough to call me while I'm in class and leave a voicemail telling me that I'm awesome. (Thanks!)

Notes for when I'm stressed, among other things

Things to be aware of when I'm stressed:

• There are lots of times when I can handle crowds. Or groups. High-stress times, not so much.
• I have learned to be spontaneous. Or at least more last minute. But when I'm stressed, I need things planned.
  • But I need to not be the one planning everything.
  • Especially if someone else said they'd get back to me. It's in your hands then.
• When I'm stressed I'd rather stick to my plans with a group of people I don't know than do something spur-of-the-moment with a group I do know.
  • But it's more likely I'll end up home alone.
  • Though probably healthier for me to not be too antisocial for long.

~~~

It amazes me how some friends manage to amplify my stress while others diffuse it. And it's not consistent. Surely much to do with my mood. But feels like there's more than I understand. Good luck making sense of me.

~~~

So that's where I was mid-afternoon on Saturday. Which made it extra amazing when I called a friend to come with me to the trail I visited at the beginning of the month and she could join at the last minute.

The sun was well on its way down by the time we arrived. (But it was okay because I take the scenic drive past the crazy-rich houses.) Even the buildings were glowing in the light.


October has seen the span of fall here. Last time the leaves were a week or two away from peaking. There are a few left in the tree now, but more carpeting the trail than shading the sun.


Not that the sun was in position to be shaded.


We saw a herd of deer. (Pictures didn't turn out. Too far away for the flash to do anything. Too dark not to use it.) Wandered into the Halloween Hike--complete with luminaria and costumed employees doing skits educating us about nature. Debated whether that was a black squirrel or whether it was simply in the shadows.


Agreed we had perfect timing in leaving the trail.

Drove back home amazed at how much calmer I was.

~~~

In separate news, I needed a pair of black pumps, so I went shoe shopping. Came out with super-pointy yellow heels. Not so black, but D. says I can play fashionista.

Also got a pair of menswear-style high-heel lace-up oxfords. They're black. And heels. And I think I can go dancing in them. Plus they can also replace the black boots that I have that, really, I didn't even wear much last winter because the insole is sad and old and when I tried to add a schmancy Dr. Scholl's type one it crowded my foot.

I should probably throw those boots away. They're past the donate stage. Otherwise I'd still be wearing them.

~~~

A week from now, I'll be back from my first conference presentation. I'm excited for that.

More excited for the weekend crew reunion happening afterwards. Camp friends convince me time and again that friendship withstands distance, different lifepaths, and far too few visits. Remind me to talk about that in a future post.

Not going in the proposal, no matter how many times I write it

This will be my first conference presentation and I have no idea what I'm doing. And I’m unreasonably nervous about it.

Definitely true. (At least in part. I guess I have some idea what I'm doing. Maybe?) Probably suspected. But, geez, you don't put that in the formal thing.

Still needed to get it out there somewhere though.

School's starting back up tomorrow.

I'm a ball of nerves.

Which probably means I'll be posting here again.

For now, eep.

There's never enough time

Feeling kinda on edge. So I'm going to bed. Ignoring grading. Hoping that I somehow get through the planning this week. *Sigh*Rawr*Bah*

Straws that break the back

It's finally getting warm, which is great. I went on a hike yesterday. I love that it's not dark when I go to school in the morning. Sure it's supposed to snow again tomorrow, but really, it's nice.

Except.

The fridge has stopped working.

And the temperature outside means that the car is no longer an extra freezer.

And I don't want all my food frozen. Some I just want chilled.

The freezer is working, so hopefully it's an easily fixable if you know what you're doing thing. But I've already cleared out the ice that was blocking the vent from the freezer to the fridge. And readjusted controls. And the food's just rotting. Smells awful.

And it's not like there's a grocery store I can just run to on a daily basis for what I need. Really this needs to be fixed NOW.

I talked to maintenance this morning. Hopefully this won't take as long as the pipes. Hopefully the bill for it won't be passed back to us (like the price for heating the pipes). The problem with the school being your landlord is that there's no one who's really dedicated to fixing the problems in the same way.

*Cough*

I'm calling in sick on Friday.

A mental health day is in order. I took a mid-year survey for the organization that placed me here. On it there were some questions along the lines of, "I know where I can go to get mental help if I need it," and, "I would seek mental help if I needed it." I checked disagree. Sure, at orientation they handed us a sheet listing psychologists, but none of them are really near us. I don't have the time to drive to find someone hours away.

After feeling personally attacked for the past week, my prescription for myself is to spend time with people who know me well and who will build me up. There are people here encouraging me, but we just lack the shared history for them to get me where I need to be.

Follow up from the whine

I know it's not professional to have breakdowns at work. I tried to limit it today.

My department chair (that other teacher in my department) and my assistant principal are amazing.

Amen.

Still, no matter how much my mind knows that it's not me, no matter how ridiculous the points are to people who know me, no matter how many times I'm told not to take something personally, I can't convince my gut. (Mom's words there.) The take-away lesson: I could never be a politician. Negative campaign ads would make me doubt myself. And then I live down to expectations.

If the year is a marathon, why do I feel like I'm sprinting?

They added another subject to my class load starting last week. I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed by it all. So posts here not happening so much.

Back to lesson planning right now. Hopefully I'll update more sometime soon.

hoping the mango lasts through Thanksgiving

Recent comfort foods:

• Lotus tea (Tazo goodness)
• Jasmine Pearl tea (so much better than just loose jasmine because they unfurl!)
• Chocolate mousse (maybe a bit too rich. I didn't use enough cream. And really, plain chocolate chips rather than fancy ones would be fine. I think. 60% caco is too much.)
• Dried Mango
• Mixed nuts, unsalted
• Cheese-nips
• Milk
• Homemade pizza
• Scrambled eggs

I'm glad I stocked up the last time I was in a city with a co-op.

Battling the depression. There's a reason they tell you to get your support network in order before you start teaching. Thanks to everyone who listens to me gripe when I need it and who distracts me with thoughts of their lives when I need that escape. Gossip updates are amazing. Updates about the potential for gossip are even better. (Then I can ponder my advice.)

Lots of hugs to all who are comfortable receiving them.

breakdown

It's hard not to take things personally. It's hard to know when to take things personally.

Like when my aide, who I thought I had a good relationship with, transfers out of my classroom because I'm rude to her.

Like when my cell phone decides to have the mic die.

Like when way too many of my students aren't doing the work.

What's my fault? What can I change? What do other perople need to deal with?

trying to think of the good

First the bahness (sometimes just little things that I feel like I should take care of when I get the time):

• The dishes are piling up in the sink.
• My no-longer housemate's dad called two days ago. The battery on the phone was dead because she'd left it in her room. We listened as he left the message. The machine's still blinking. For some reason the number and the play button's blinks are out of synch.
• I should empty the trash from my room.
• At some point I need to get to the BIG town to recycle and have car insurance office see that I have a car.
• There are papers covering my desk at school in a variety of piles I don't want to think about.
• Good problems for worksheets are harder to come up with than you'd think.
• And worksheets are boring. Maybe I'll get it together enough to come up with some sort of game activity by Friday...of next week. Or next month.

Ah well.

Good things:

• The counselor/adviser who's class is on one side of me and office is on the other--she's there for hugs whenever I need them. And medicine. And prayers. And a listening ear.
• Seeing friends and actually getting to socialize at class.
• Borrowing books from other people (note again, not the library, it hasn't moved to the new school yet).
• Stress foods in the form of fruit. (Watching my grocery shopping spree last Saturday, when I was hungry and stressed, was amusing. 15 pounds of flour. I had to get three types.)
• Listening to NPR when I have an internet connection and Taize podcasts when I don't.