Maybe it's not fair to imitate students, but it's so tempting sometimes

Dear Person,

All I want for Christmas is students who want to learn. It'd be even better if they have basic skills, like how to address a letter; how to spell words like "juss," "cud," and "divid" correctly; how to multiply 2 times 4 without looking at a multiplication table or needing to correct themselves; "and how to sit in a little, uncomfortable desk for nearly half a day." I'm not asking that they even know the stuff I tried to teach this semester, just that they're at a point where they can learn it (and everything else) next semester. That'll be a miracle enough.

If you're feeling extra generous, toss in some extra organization for my school. Make the scheduling nightmares be fixed. Pull something out of your bag of tricks that will help the administration gain the staff's trust. Because the chaotic, all-day registration where no one knows what's going on or what's really required for graduation just made everyone grouchy.

Could you also give the resource room aides the background knowledge to be able to tutor the students in whatever we're teaching them? Provide them with lots of extra examples (worked out because the students can't seem to copy them from the board) of problems like 7/10 + 3/5. Because I don't have the time or patience to teach the adults who interrupt me as I'm trying to do something with the rest of my class. It'd be a great present, really.

Any extra materials you have for teaching could be amazing too. I have the new computer waiting at home, but an LCD projector with wireless remote sounds powerful. Textbooks for Algebra, I'm not even sure I can dream that far. Posters for my room, because I'm not an interior decorator (and if they're the ones students do for extra credit, all the better).

Finally, lots of strength for my fellow teachers and myself. Physical. Mental. Emotional. Spiritual. Psychological. And any other aspect that I'm too tired to think of right now. Book deals for our stories when we come out of here (at least for those who have time to write). And some extra entertainment in the meantime.

Thanks!

~Me

Christmas time's a'coming and I know I'm going home

Opening with a sidebar: It's surprisingly difficult to find the lyrics to Raffi's Christmas album online. Especially given that I know the original LP has the lyrics on it.

A week from right now, I should be home. *Smiles* I tell my students that I have my home where I went to college and my home where my parents are (only, I just refer to them by the different states). I haven't been to the latter since moving out here in August. This is my first Advent away from family and I can tell I'm homesick. But one week. (4 days of school.) My cell phone's working again, so that should cut down on the bahness. I hope.

Since my last post, I've continued with the downs and ups. I really need to get better at separating myself from my job. I need to be able to cut down on my prep time so that I can maintain sanity. But it's hard when you don't have a good textbook. Or when you want worksheets to look right. And when I don't have pretty teacher handwriting. By next year this should be easier, right?

Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3

Today was quiz day in my class. And I had to be mean.

You're talking to others around you? This is your warning. Move away if you need to. Talking again? That's a 0 on that part of your test.

You weren't here yesterday, here's a progress report as of this weekend. Yeah, it's still failing, that's rough. But look at how much you've improved. Where were you before? Like 12%? 56 is so much better. What was that? Your life would be easier if I quit? Yeah, but then you wouldn't learn anything in this class. Though I'm not always sure what you are learning as it is. Even if you don't care, I still do.


And we're only halfway through the day.

hunkering down with tofu

The "wintry mix" outside meant that I stayed home today instead of going grocery shopping and baking Christmas cookies with a friend who lives near the store. It's been a lovely, non-school productive but gotten things cleaned, day. I haven't actually curled up with hot chocolate and a book (neither one actually), but still managed to wear PJs all day.

Wasn't really in the soup mood and I'm running "low" on groceries (enough to make it through Wednesday, no problem, could probably go a full week if necessary), so I looked online for recipes. Recently I've been looking at vegan blogs, so maybe it's not a surprise that I ended up looking at Spinach Tofu Stuffed Shells.

I had frozen spinach, because I always have frozen spinach (except I'm out now, yikes!). I had tofu, because I wanted to try cooking with it (never had before). I had canned tomatoes to make sauce. I didn't have the shells, nor do I keep rice cheese, but I decided to try it anyway. It's not pretty enough to take a picture, but, definitely worth noting for the future. My annotated adaption is below. Tofu is something that I'm learning to like. The texture of it scared me for so long. I don't like it when it's rubbery, which it can be way to often. In this dish though, it was smooth and creamy. Happy, not scary.

Tomato Sauce. Any sauce would work. This was just tonight's incarnation.
1 32 oz can crushed tomatoes
Generous shaking of basil
Sprinkling of oregano
Sprinkling of pepper
Half a dash of salt
2 cloves chopped garlic

Simmer sauce while pasta cooks and preparing noodles.

Noodles.
Half a bag of multi-colored whole wheat nugget pasta
1 package frozen spinach
1 package tofu
2 Tablespoons Olive Oil
Dash of salt
Sprinkling basil

Boil water and cook pasta. Drain when done.

Defrost spinach in microwave. (I suppose it'd be nice if you knew you were doing this to just let it thaw during the day.) Squeeze extra water out.

Blend tofu, olive oil, and salt in food processor. Should be smooth.

In medium mixing bowl, stir tofu mixture, spinach, and basil together. Stir pasta in.

The Casserole
Oh gosh, start preheating the oven now. (Unless you read ahead and remembered to do this earlier.) 350 F.

Tomato Sauce
Noodle Yumminess
Cheese (I used three handfuls of grated mozzarella)

Pour tomato sauce into 9 by 13 casserole dish. Cover bottom of pan half-inch to inch thick. No, you won't use all the sauce.

Spoon out the noodle yumminess, distributing it evenly across the casserole.

Sprinkle on cheese.

Put in oven. The original recipe calls for covering for the first 15 minutes, taking the cover off and then cooking 20 more minutes. I just put it in the oven, washed dishes, remembered something about covering it, put some aluminum on, kept on cooking. I'm not really sure how long it was in. Longer than 35 minutes though. Enough time to wash all my dishes from today.


Take out and enjoy.

Style geek

Honestly, it'd be easier if I didn't want things to look consistent. Then I could just print the randomly generated worksheets online. (Though, really, some of the problems on them are annoying.)

Alas. Even if I didn't make pretty fractions for the advanced math kids. They're doing their best to make me upset with them. Apparently my retribution is fractions written like a/b instead of like . Obviously I am a mean teacher.

If I don't want to be actually mean, I should go get sleep.....hmmm....

I miss you already

I took last week off. Needed the break from life here and we had Thanksgiving off, so it made sense.

It was perhaps the best decision I've made since graduation. I was able to escape enough that there were moments when I forgot I'm a teaching. Meaning that I wasn't worrying about lesson planning. Now was I thinking constantly about students and their problems. Instead I watched football games (yes, that was plural), lingered over lots of good meals, laughed with friends, and generally got to the point of remembering what it's like to be in an overall positive mood. It's already been a rough transition back. Taking all of those burdens back and trying to figure out how I'm going to balance life over the next three weeks or so.

Thank you to all the friends who made time in your schedules for me. Special thanks to those who let me sleep over. Both of you are amazing, I love your houses, and I am planning on coming back. And huge hugs to the friends who I didn't get to visit--especially those of you who are active in my support network right now. I really do miss you.

I'm getting tired and this post is getting cheesy. Time to stop. First, a reminder that there's a guest bedroom for friends who want to visit. *nods head, falls asleep*

All through the night

Teaching theory is full of the importance of creating and sticking to routines. We're creatures of habit and there's comfort in the familiar. It's simplified, but you get the gist of it. The truth of this has hit home for me in the past couple of weeks as I realize more and more of my own routines.

The most embedded, most comforting routine? Bedtime. It's 10:50 now and I most likely won't be asleep for another hour. Never mind that I'm pretty exhausted. The bedtime ritual takes me an hour. (And some friends already mock me for it.) I only recently connected that each of the parts of the ritual go back to the routine my parents first established for me, not just when I was little, but really when I was a baby.

1. Get clean. Shower. Bath. Brush teeth. Whatever. Connection obvious.
2. Write in journal. I had a journal but didn't write on a regular basis until after I left home. Before then, bedtime officially started when I debriefed the day with whichever parent was putting me down that night. Get out all the feelings that needed to be sorted through in order to rest well.
3. Bible and prayer time. Though I don't memorize verses or prayers the same way I sometimes did when I was at home.
4. Read something completely nonrelated to school. Short stories. Long fiction. Entertaining nonfiction. (Nothing too serious.) This is critical for me and the part that I only recently connected to the bedtime stories my parents read when I was an infant.
5. Lullabye. Actually, this is the one part that I omit most nights here. Though it may be my favorite part. Mom and Dad sang to me until I graduated high school. (When I was little there were multiple lullabyes and each birthday, you're a bit older one less song. Only they never stopped that last song. I think the time meant too much to all of us to consider it.) I definitely will hum a song to myself. Or play my lullabye cd. Or the lullabye playlist on my computer. Because it is so ingrained for me, whenever I hear someone's having trouble sleeping, I'll offer lullabyes. It's my favorite part of bedtime, but the part that translates least well to being on my own.
   

Sorry this is rambly. I should go back and edit. But for now, I'm just going to post and get into that ritual.

Sending my heart back to the mountains

“And when life is getting me down, as sometimes it will do,
My heart will come back to these mountains
and I'll remember you
I'll remember the love that we shared
and the ways that we grew”

I'm not sure where the quote came from. But I have it saved to a "sticky note" on my computer to remind me of camp. I don't usually use the stickies, but I did yesterday and smiled to remember camp.

I've been thinking about camp a surprising amount this weekend. It's interesting to observe. A few years ago, it was normal for me to somehow be reminded of camp several times a day. From the pictures on the walls to the music I listened to. From the books I read to the friends I talked to. Even if something wasn't directly related to camp, I could almost always connect it to something that reminded me of camp.

Most of the reminders are still present. Sure, I don't listen to the same music as much two summers out. No, I don't talk to people as regularly as I once did. Actually, I haven't really hung up any pictures in my bedroom here. But none of them are far out of reach.

And yet, I'm surprised that I've thought of camp a couple of times a day over this extended weekend. I didn't notice when it was not in the back of my mind at all times. Only now am I realizing that it's not.

Thinking about it, leaving college has almost been easier than leaving camp. It's still living in the back of my mind, the reminders through music, pictures, books, and friends are very much there. But at the same time, I don't feel as homesick for college-home. Not sure what it means. Maybe just that leaving a home of 4 years is easier than leaving one of 13 years.

It's not that I don't like reading online, but real, physical reading is so much better

I found a library! The local university acts as a public library. I don't undrstand. But while I was being sent to down during business hours for the drug testing, I stopped by and picked up a card. I checked out two books. (Half of my limit.) It's like being in pre-school or kindergarden. Talk to me on the phone and I get this big grin, "I got a library card. Mmm Hmmm."

There is the problem with me buying books, but I'm becoming obsessed with magazine subscriptions. When I renewed my NPR membership, I signed up for two magazines. I just redeemed some of my frequent flyer miles that were going to expire for, um, 13 magazine subscriptions. Maybe this will keep me from spending the money and ordering National Geographic on the professional promo they sent this week. Then again, that comes with a world map and 4 posters. I'm not teaching social studies, but maps could decorate a math classroom, right?

For now, a list of my subscriptions (that I can remember):

• Newsweek (my standby)
• Elle
• Elle Decor (they were a set)
• Home
• Metropolitan Home (another set)
• The Atlantic Monthly (editorials offline! goody)
• The Economist
• Domino (which honestly I haven't heard of before, but miles are good)
• Harper's Bazaar
• Martha Stewart Living (It's Martha, there wasn't a Southern Living on the list, and she was the closest to a cooking magazine)
• Money
• The New York Observer
• W
• Wired (Though it's too late for their crafty issue. That was amazing)

So yes. No cooking magazines. Lots of grown-up homey magazines. Lots of subscriptions that will run out before my time here is up. Hopefully other miles can be redeemed next year?

"If you fail to not show up for your appointment for any legitimate reason"

I get to be drug tested tomorrow. I have to drive a half-hour both ways to pee in a cup. Missing class to do so. Oh joy. (Actually, I'm kind of looking forward to the break from school. How sad is that?) Also, did it occur to anyone that making sure I drink enough water to urinate on command
might send me to the restroom more during the rest of the day?

And in case your wondering, the title is a direct quote from my notification memo. The complete quote: If you fail to not show up for your appointment for any legitimate reason it may constitute grounds for termination.

So, grammatically, that means what exactly? Only bad reasons are acceptable for showing up?

Far more addictive than it should be

You know those "Click for Charity" sites (like the one I linked to in my last post) that you sometimes go to because you feel like you should? But you know they're depending on advertising and is that really what you want?

I just found out about a new site that combines that with my nerd side. FreeRice is a vocab game. Sure it still depends on ads for its donations. Bu it encourages you to keep on clicking. And clicking. And clicking. I want to get to higher and higher levels (unfortunately I'm keep getting error messages and beginning again).

The site just started. So their data on how much has been donated daily is fun to look at. Sadly though I don't know Excel well enough to run the regressions I want to play with (and I didn't learn a few key steps in R). It does make me wonder why I don't see more about internet trends in word problems. (Maybe because the books that I'm looking at still talk about video and tape cassettes.) Note to people who are writing the word problems, let's get some of the data about MySpace and Facebook. Can we track growth of friend count? Is that appropriate?

Further note to myself, it's Friday night. I'm going to be working a lot this weekend. During your downtime it is okay to not think about lessons.

All around the world

Thanks for suggestions on music. So far I've found electronic to be a decent compromise.

But my current plan, that I'm nerdy excited about, is to get music from different cultures and feature a place and style each week.

The trick is that my collection of world music is pretty minimal and my budget for this isn't happening.

So places that I've found that I'm excited about.

Greenstar Music-- I used to have all of their samplers downloaded, but then my harddrive died. This was a good chance to get them again. (Sidebar. I found out about Greenstar because they advertise on PovertyFighters.

Global Rhythms-- 10 free downloads a week. In a variety of musical genres. But the music isn't offensive (and usually not just because I can't understand it). I found it through Afropop Worldwide. Warning, you have to register and this site is not very user friendly. The downloads are there. Read the FAQs to get directions. For a CD a week, it's worth it. And I'll find a way to budget some to support they system.

The students' reaction so far is mostly along the lines of, "You're crazy." "Why are you so old? Even the old teachers at the school let us listen to hip hop." I get some sort of perverse pleasure from this. I just don't think they have a clue of how all-around nerdy I am.

hoping the mango lasts through Thanksgiving

Recent comfort foods:

• Lotus tea (Tazo goodness)
• Jasmine Pearl tea (so much better than just loose jasmine because they unfurl!)
• Chocolate mousse (maybe a bit too rich. I didn't use enough cream. And really, plain chocolate chips rather than fancy ones would be fine. I think. 60% caco is too much.)
• Dried Mango
• Mixed nuts, unsalted
• Cheese-nips
• Milk
• Homemade pizza
• Scrambled eggs

I'm glad I stocked up the last time I was in a city with a co-op.

Battling the depression. There's a reason they tell you to get your support network in order before you start teaching. Thanks to everyone who listens to me gripe when I need it and who distracts me with thoughts of their lives when I need that escape. Gossip updates are amazing. Updates about the potential for gossip are even better. (Then I can ponder my advice.)

Lots of hugs to all who are comfortable receiving them.

What to listen to?

First thing, today was a better day. Now on to what I want to write about.

Some of my students want to listen to music in class.

That's great. Sort of. Maybe. I mean it seems like something I could do. But I'm having trouble figuring out what to listen to.

They like hip-hop. me, not so much. Never did get into that.l And the songs they like, even when there aren't swear words, are way too sexual for me to be playing in my class.

Part of me is tempted to do classical music. But I don't really have any. And am not sure where I'd want to begin. Or how they'd react to it. I like classical. But really, I like watching it more than listening to it. It has to be that entire experience. I got so spoiled in college. Going to the concerts with AMAZING performers (free with tuition) and sitting wherever I wanted. I can listen to a concert by Joshua Bell, but I can't be fascinated by his hair over streaming audio. (He has really amazing hair.) I can't see the performers and imagine their grandchildren. I can't giggle throughout at how a friend's demeanor shifts while playing.

More later on my students already mocking me for being old before my time with taste in music. Not that they even know that I listen to Taize during my prep and that the other math teacher asks me if I listen to anything else.

And I do. But I find myself agreeing with today's Slate article that the indie music I listen to may be a bit snobby. So do I play that for them? (That seems more odd than letting them play their music.) My feeling is no.

Is there some good world music to listen to (a different country each week!)? Do I see about more local music? What helps focus? What just distracts?

What do you listen to when you study?

breakdown

It's hard not to take things personally. It's hard to know when to take things personally.

Like when my aide, who I thought I had a good relationship with, transfers out of my classroom because I'm rude to her.

Like when my cell phone decides to have the mic die.

Like when way too many of my students aren't doing the work.

What's my fault? What can I change? What do other perople need to deal with?

Musings on surroundings

We turned on the heat yesterday. Hopefully, the electrical company will be by soon to adjust settings so that we can pay less for the electricity used to heat the trailer. I haven't unpacked many of my winter clothes yet, but they're coming out fast. Wind, rain, and temperatures in the 40's encourage that.

Yesterday I went to a craft fair in the big town nearby. Got one of the other young teachers to come with, which was a good way to get to know her better. (I also learned a back road,so the trip's only 35 minutes!)

I found out about the fair from one of the older teachers at the school. We ended up having lunch with her and half of the women in her extended family (mother, sister, sister-in-law...). It was great to be with a family. Great to be welcomed into the community here.

But it also helps me remember why my trip back to visit college last weekend was so amazing. Being reminded that I have (close) friends my own age. I've been in the bubble with people my own age for so long, it seems odd not to be surrounded anymore. I've always been adopted by older church members, so I'm comfortable with the setting here. It's just healthy to remember that I have friends of all ages and that's okay.

parent's night

Parent's Night was yesterday and went far better than I expected. I had ~20 percent turnout, which is good for high school in general and amazing for here.

The best part though was feeling like every conversation went well. That parents left with confidence in me. Whether I bragged on their student, honestly said the student wasn't working, or some mixture of the two, everyone was positive.

They weren't all easy conversations. When my first mother told me who her daughter was the first thought flashing through my head was "I couldn't start with an easy one, could I?" But I was able to pull out yesterday's assignment and say "We took 50 minutes to work on this. You can see what she didn't get done." (Anything.) "I would come ask her if she needed any, and she'd just smile at me and say no, covering her paper all the time." Mom's going to be in class on Tuesday.

There was one family that I'd been warned about because they love to argue. The student loves to debate a point and makes careless errors right and left. I feel like he's one that doesn't try nearly as much as he could. So when his mom asked if I was using a book, I explained that the book's provided for the material I'm teaching right now are trash and that the students are not at the level for the book that's supposed to go with their class.
"Well I was just wondering where you got your questions."
"I have teachers editions at home and use the internet a lot."
Apparently the real issue was a question in the homework. So I worked it on the board. I think it was a good thing that I made the same mistake she'd made. (So nice to have a parent who KNOWS math.) I couldn't see my error immediately, so I reworked it a different way. Finally, I had the lightbulb, "Oh, there's the mistake. I forgot that negative sign. That's the same type of mistake your son makes. I make the careless errors too, so I know how important it is to look for them and be careful." I think she was just as happy to find out what her mistake was as she was to know that I could solve the problem and do the math.
From there did the last homework problem with her son. Which was an amazing chance to show her how I work with him in class. I had him work it on the board and asked the same type of questions that I do when she's not there. "What's first in your order of operations?" "If you add two what does that do? Is that really helping you?" He didn't get it immediately, but did eventually. As they were leaving, I asked if that method seemed appropriate for him or if she had some other approach that she'd like me to take with her son. Full approval.

It's good to have parents on my side.

Especially when I hand out grades that are a depressing wake-up call. The answers aren't being handed out anymore kids. You have to learn to do it on your own. And in order to learn, it's a good idea to be in class. Don't complain that you didn't get the chance to study when you haven't been here in a week. Knowing that those parents approve of what they saw will keep me going until some more students start picking things up.

trying to think of the good

First the bahness (sometimes just little things that I feel like I should take care of when I get the time):

• The dishes are piling up in the sink.
• My no-longer housemate's dad called two days ago. The battery on the phone was dead because she'd left it in her room. We listened as he left the message. The machine's still blinking. For some reason the number and the play button's blinks are out of synch.
• I should empty the trash from my room.
• At some point I need to get to the BIG town to recycle and have car insurance office see that I have a car.
• There are papers covering my desk at school in a variety of piles I don't want to think about.
• Good problems for worksheets are harder to come up with than you'd think.
• And worksheets are boring. Maybe I'll get it together enough to come up with some sort of game activity by Friday...of next week. Or next month.

Ah well.

Good things:

• The counselor/adviser who's class is on one side of me and office is on the other--she's there for hugs whenever I need them. And medicine. And prayers. And a listening ear.
• Seeing friends and actually getting to socialize at class.
• Borrowing books from other people (note again, not the library, it hasn't moved to the new school yet).
• Stress foods in the form of fruit. (Watching my grocery shopping spree last Saturday, when I was hungry and stressed, was amusing. 15 pounds of flour. I had to get three types.)
• Listening to NPR when I have an internet connection and Taize podcasts when I don't.

and then there were two....

I'm still here.

And really, things have been going okay so far. I mean, yeah, the school is a total organizational NIGHTMARE (someday it'd be really nice to have a roster of who is supposed to be in my class. And not have student's schedules changed over and over and over).
Yeah, I feel really bad for my second period class (first is prep) because I get so much better when I know what they didn't get.
Yeah, it's frustrating not having a sense of where students are or what I can do to reach them (and that applies to the physical, educational, emotional....)

But I can tell that I've already taught them stuff. (Or maybe just reminded them of what they knew. But I promise you, it'd been long forgotten.)
And I had a student tell me that I make him laugh. (I think it was a good thing).
And I haven't really had behavior problems. (Sure there's the ones who don't want to work. But we'll see how I can get through to them. Day by day. If they come. Or I find out who is supposed to be in my class.) The custodian told me that my room is always clean, but he does it anyway. I think this is a good sign.
And my kids are actually following the procedure to come in and get started on their math journals. Grumbling, but doing it. I feel like things are getting done.

All in all, I'm happier than I expected/feared. Feeling good at this point. Knowing more bad will come. But still confident that I can handle it.

But losing another housemate is hard. Apparently I'm not good at the tough love thing. Want too much to understand what's going on. Wanting to support decision to leave if that's what's necessary. Knowing that I can't be in someone else's head. Wishing things were different. Not sure how my support network will change.

day 1.1

Labeled thus, because while today was the first day with students in the school, I'm not sure it gets to count as the first day. We don't have class schedules figured out yet. It's kinda crazy. Still, I feel bamboozled, so it's off to bed.

hopefully tomorrow will be better

Officially figured out that the reason MY computer's not working right now is because the power cord died. I'm on a rigged up school computer for now. Hope I can get a good computer (either of my own or from the school) soon. But we'll see. Really want to wait until the new mac os comes out. Maybe I'll break down and buy a new computer cord.

Have realized, yet again, how much Firefox changed my internet habits. I know other browsers now have tabbed browsing, but the IE running on this machine didn't. I couldn't handle it. New windows are too space consuming. Tabs are just pretty.

Moving goes slowly. So much of it seems to be fend for yourself. On the other hand, it has provided a good way to get to know other people. Checking in on how everyone's room is going. How are you holding up? Doing all right? Do you need help getting that through the door? Carrying that? Balancing that on your head as you push the cart? And, after my years as a camp counselor, are you getting enough water? Don't get dehydrated! That's it, next water fountain we pass, you're drinking some more. (Yes, I actually said that. We both got water, too.)

In return, if getting offers for help is any sign of how I'm fitting in here, I feel pretty good. I keep being told of new places where to find more math stuff (not sure books is always appropriate; textbooks, workbooks, manipulatives, some brandnew, some older than I am, some both). People ask if I need a different cart. (I finally gave the one I'd claimed up after cleaning out a room and a modular. I'm not sure what else is left for me to uncover.) When I decided to lay claim to a couple of abandoned 3 ring binders, one teacher pointed me to a BUNCH of others (which becomes a whole other story), and a half-dozen people helped me empty them of old papers. (Which all went in the trash, breaking my recyclable heart, but, you do what you can.) So there's definitely some feeling of goodness in this. Hopefully I can keep seeing that.

more moving

We finally got to start taking stuff over to the new school on Friday. I had the pleasure of packing up things, carrying them over, and then trying to begin to unpack them. (The old math teacher hadn't packed up his stuff at the end of the year. Gee thanks.)

Meanwhile, the new books that the school's been talking about all summer (aka the past three weeks of inservice) aren't to be found. The school's curriculum coordinator was telling my department head that we needed to get our act together so we could order more books this week. Not that either of us have the time to reserach textbooks. Or the background to evaluate them (yet). Further, the old books don't look that bad. And I'm not sure we're going to be sending books home with students. So, does it matter if I teach out of ancient books? Or not ancient, but old because they've been abused books. Or new books. *shrug*

AND...not sure what's going to happen with the supplies I requested. Thankfully, we found some boxes that the old teacher had ordered with some of the things I need. Still, it'll be nice to see what there actually is.

But the reality that I'm going to be a teacher is kicking in. Again. And again.

i should buy this song

wake me when the sun is not a secret
and all of its reflections speak in color
collapse the letters, perhaps they're better unknown
convenience via industry is deceiving
we can travel so far in seconds, but we're covering cars' complexion
protecting our investments

the luxury of salary is rewarding
improving conditions, improving efficience
but all the corresponding course of reaction
and equal distraction is a burden
it's a burden

we are blessed, we are cursed in our abundance
we are pressed to have worth in terms of tangibility
we are blessed to be settled without worry
we are cursed to forget we are in need
we are blessed, we are blessed upon our knees
we are blessed, we are blessed upon our knees

the market will fluctuate with hopes to manipulate our need
the patterns of the sun remain concrete
beauty is simple but we, we find favor in a mess of synthetics
we are hungry
beauty is simple, but we, we find favor in a mess of synthetics
we are hungry
beauty is simple, but we, we find favor in a mess of synthetics
we are worried

i heard that the economy is receding
but the sun still warms my skin

~Joel P West, Settled Without Worry


It would figure that the song featured on NPR's Open Mic is my least favorite of his songs. I'm not convinced to buy the whole cd, his sound is too consistent. One song blends into another to the point that I almost don't realize that I've switched. They're pretty simple sounding, but I like the lyrics of this one and the other one I've quoted. They seem to fit my life right now in one way or another.

we all head west cause we were told the west had more daylight

It's crazy how late the sun sets here. But I'm fearing winter. It's going to rise so late. How will I get out of bed? Wake up to teach? And no, taking up coffee is not an option.

something out a dream

It was foggy on our walk to school today.

As my housemates and I were walking, we saw six horses emerge out of the fog. They galloped in front of us and turned onto the old track before disappearing again.

and not exactly an engagement ring

(I love lyrics from new to me songs.)

At the fair this weekend I finally found a new ring. I'd worn my ring from camp for about 7 years. Lost it last fall (VERY sad, but it's just a thing too). Luckily, I had an extra ring that I wore afterwards. Unluckily that ring broke during the middle of my senior thesis presentation.

So, new ring. Which is kinda cool. Because the old ring definitely represented a strong part of my past. Maybe this ring will be a symbol of my life here?

In any case, I have something to fiddle with. And I don't feel naked anymore. Strange how even after a few months without a ring I still missed the feeling of it on my finger.

Strange what you do miss. And when. And why.

take a look, it's in a book....

I just read an editorial from The State newspaper about what they call "the summer reading gap." Basically a discussion of how richer students read during the summer, while poorer students are less likely to read. Apparently one study found that this "summer slide" accounted for 2/3 of the reading gap between poor and wealthy NINTH graders. (Sidenote: I really miss
having the college/institution access to journals and databases and such. For those interested and with access apparently the study is in the April issue of the American Sociological Review; it's done by John Hopkins researchers.) I have no way to judge how good this study is, but the editorial made me think about my current situation.

I'm already struggling to figure out where I should get books to read while I'm here. Thankfully I have 1) lots of books of my own already, 2) resources to buy books, 3) friends to borrow lots of books from, and 4) money to pay for membership to library in another county (and state) if I decide to go that route (depending on 5) car and time to drive to library).

But the point is that aside from the school library, which isn't open during the summer, and maybe something at the church (I haven't explored yet) there aren't the resources that I've relied on to enable reading, even if you wanted to. I guess it's not surprising that reading ability is (reportedly) so low.

wanting a clever boy

By the time I got back today from getting license and plates and all (drove well over an hour to get to the big town, in another county, population well less than 5,000), I was getting pretty tired. So I decided not to go to the fair today. Instead spent the night at home, procrastinating by listening to music.

I found this Swedish label that has a policy of having free downloads for title singles. (The "reason" I started browsing was because Pelle Carlberg was the featured Open Mic on NPR recently and I decided I needed to find more music.)

This was my alternative to doing work (that I'm supposed to do for workshop tomorrow). So bedtime and shower and maybe some work? meh

feeling lucky...and PSA

I rode with one housemate out to a birthday party in the big city (population sign says 780) tonight. Was planning on getting a ride home with the other housemate, but there was awkwardness (completely different situation), so she wasn't returning as early as planned. Anyway they both decided to spend the night at the party house, but let me drive one of their cars home.

It's dark and kinda rainy so I'm driving decently slow.I mean I get passed a couple of times and all.Come to the BIG fair that's going on starting tonight and through the weekend. Speed's dropped and I've slowed down more , but am getting distracted looking at what's going on at the fairgrounds. Next thing I know I'm pulled over for speeding. Oooops. Of course I can't figure out how to roll down the windows, but have license and housemate's old registration pulled and hand to the officer as soon as he finally gets to me. (While he goes back to check things out, I call my housemate's cell phone asking where her new registration is...She'd just gotten it this afternoon..)

Anyway, I think this is probably one time when having an out-of-state license worked in my favor. I got off with just the question "How well do you know the area?" "Um..I just moved here. I'm working to figure it out. " So for anyone who needs to know, the speed limit outside the fairgrounds is 25 MPH. And it is strictly enforced during the fair.

EDIT: Upon further reflection, I think that the 25 MPH speed limit is special for the fair (and higher during the rest of they year). So when you visit, you might not have to go that slow. Then again, you might.

not sure this is healthy....

I'm tired of sitting down, staring at standards. At least I found (remembered, semi-reminded by housemate) my chocolate chips. So I've had nibbles this evening.

The good news is that Algebra Two is sticky-noted, planned for the year. The bad news is that I forgot to put the stickies for one unit on the calender. Good news is that there are weeks that don't have anything on them, so it may be squeezed in. Bad news is those are "testing weeks." Alas, so it goes.

Sorry for so much shop talk. It's kinda been my life today.

Oh, and I almost forgot. The highlight of the day! During lunch I was able to get a master key and follow a lead to find the (old) textbooks. They might not be what we actually use this year, but something is so much better than nothing. Here's to hope for some sort of organization.

zoned out

Spending way too much time staring at standards. And while I know one should
rely on the standards to decide what to teach, my methods of teaching prof was right when he said that textbooks decide what's taught in different courses. So it'd be really great to have our curriculum. Or someone who knows what it is. Maybe even someone who could just tell us the sequence of math courses here. Because trying to find out what "Advanced Math" is supposed to be was a wild goose chase. I mean, yes our entire department is new. But shouldn't that be all the more reason from someone to be looking out to make sure we're on track with picking up where some teacher (however long ago) left off?

Looking through standards trying to come up with long term plans of study or whatever is kind of annoying. So here's a list of things from last week that make me look forward to this year.

• I'm not the only math teacher.
• I have a department chair (who's not me!).
• My chair came to this school because he really wanted to work with this community. Meaning he should be able to help me learn to understand the community.
• I have an aide. Who is from the community and knows students, staff, everyone. Beyond being friendly and someone I'm excited about working with, I'm also glad to have someone else who will be a resource for me in my adjustment to life here.
• New classroom! I get to break it in. (Hopefully not actually breaking anything.)
• The fact that the school did get the washer and dryer into our housing makes me more optimistic that I will have a laptop in my classroom. (Maybe it can download Geogbra. Even better if I can convince them to buy Geometer's Sketchpad.)

someday i will look back and know what's going on

It's interesting how I can't really get a straight story here. There's so much politics. Naturally people outside of the school warn me to stay away from the politics, but I don't really think that's possible. I just wish I knew more of the backstory on different situations. If I ask enough different people, I can triangulate decently. But I still don't know why the administration warned new staff not to attend tonight's meeting. Or even what the deal is with who did (and more importantly who did not) have my position before me.

fair warning

Lesson from reflections tonight.

I don't always know that I'm approaching my breaking point until I'm staring right over the edge. At that point I will give warning, probably in the form of "Do This" or "Don't Do This." It's best for everyone if you follow directions and don't push more buttons. Otherwise some sort of explosion will probably ensue.

The good news is that there are usually several explosions before major damage occurs.

The bad news is I need to learn to control this before students find my buttons.

Curing sense of isolation

Apparently it’s true. A decent cure for a sense of isolation in a new community can be to get out in the community and do stuff. In that spirit I went out a lot today. Because today I actually knew where people would be. It’s Sunday—CHURCH. I went to several services in the thoughts that the more churches I visit, the more people I meet, the more people recognize my face, and the more people who may do something to welcome me somehow. (Though sadly did not receive any dinner invitations. Alas. However, I did get a dinner at the local festival I visited between services.

Frequent conversation line. “What brought you here?”
“I’m with this program and asked for a rural placement.”
*eyes light up* “Well, you got rural all right.”

While this was normal in larger areas, it’s said in a different tone here. More lighthearted and appreciative (I hope). Much more a sense of the reality of it I’m sure.

I hope I can handle it.

Day Two (Or full Day One)

Yawn. Bedtime writing does take on a certain tone. Hopefully I’ll find a different time to write, so you don’t just get sleepy jabber.

Got things more moved in today. Mostly unpacked even. I’m not sure how it all fits, but it mostly does. I’m hoping I can move some stuff into my classroom next week (then I can rearrange stuff on my bookshelf). When Mom and Dad bring out the final things (like my sewing table which it a necessity, but I’m not sure where it will fit) I’ll probably send some books and notes back with them. But after going through high school notes and figuring out how helpful they still can be (at least when studying for Praxis exam and trying to figure out how my teachers set things up in their classrooms), there’s no way I’m getting rid of them.

Other news, I went grocery shopping. Lots and lots of groceries. Because I need to cook. I’m not sure what my housemates will think, but, yeah, need to cook. Hopefully I’ll come back later and post my move-in grocery list. It sets up kitchen well. I hope. I guess it’ll be tested soon.

Arrival

This won’t go up until I get internet access but it’s currently 9:39 my time zone. (Which means my cell phone thinks it’s 9:39 sometimes and 8:39 other times and my watch says it’s 10:39. My body just knows I’m exhausted and my brain is alternating between being zombie, being terrified, and being excited. Right now, I’m afraid the terror’s winning.

Comfort music, obviously necessary. Since I’m at the computer, I’m listening to Marion McPartland’s Piano Jazz. I’m pretty positive I won’t be able to find her on the radio here, but podcasts are amazing. Her voice is just so calming. The conversations make a comfortable background. And then the jazz plays soft and smooth.

Okay, so I’m not being eloquent right now, too many clichés and such, but I did mention the exhaustion right?

Also on the music front, a special thank you to those who made me CDs for my drive. I listened to music from all ya’ll today. Every new CD (and sometimes more like every song) feels like a hug. Just that sense that you were thinking of me at some point. Big hugs to you!

A fitting end

I love that this Frazz comic was published on my last day of institute. If it's not an appropriate summary, I don't know what is.

(click picture for a legible view)



That said, I think it's bedtime.

benefits of the phone

As annoying as it is to wait and wait and wait for a call, there are times when telephones are worth it. Like when a student actually does come for their last class of the day (despite missing mine) after I call during lunch. And when I finally (FINALLY) get to talk to people I've been trying to get to answer my questions for a week.

I like long walks....

In order to maintain sanity, take a break from work during the neverending cycle, remind myself that there is life outside of a couple of buildings and a bus, I've been taking daily walks around campus. Get back here in the afternoon, change out of the professional dress into the jeans and t-shirt (note for a later post, my wardrobe balance), and go OUTSIDE!

It helps a lot. Still, I've pretty much figured out campus, at least the parts I'm comfortable exploring. I miss trails in a forest. Or on the beach. Or at the zoo's gardens. Or anywhere that's not dominated by buildings. Because they become familiar quickly and don't change with the seasons. A week and a half and then my scenery changes. Hopefully I'll get more walks in the coming year. Though maybe not quite as enthusiastic as Randall.

An attempt to remember the positive...

...because otherwise the crazy stress takes over.

The happy long conversations with bunch of friends I hadn't talked to in a while this week.

The power of being in a church so full that when you sing hymns you can barely hear yourself, even when you know you're singing way out loud.

The relief of no lines at the copy center.

The giddyness at being a rebel and borrowing books without others knowledge. (I was desperate. And I promise I'll return it and put it back on the right shelf. And it's not like there's a system in place that will let me check anything out.)

And the further relaxation with new reading material.

The bliss of a long, hot bath. With a trashy magazine to read. And room service cheesecake when I'm done. And cable TV. (And yes, this is drawing on yesterday. But I'm close enough to stressball right now that I'm clinging on to it.)

The hope that there's less that 2 weeks to go here. (Ignoring the fear of the 100 weeks to come.)

A short drive, but a world away....

It's amazing how close vacation can be. The dorm doesn't have hot water. One of my friends was checking into the hotel a half-block away and inviting us over anyway. So I got to enjoy a bath. In a different environment. And eat room-service cheesecake. And watch TV. And now things just seem so much nicer. Despite being back in the brown and beige and slightly moldy smell...

if you could only take....

I realized at some point that coming here I answered for myself the question of "If you could only take three books with you to an island where you'd live for the rest of time, what would the be?"
Not that this is the rest of time, but that I couldn't pack a lot, scratch that, my normal amount of reading material. And I don't really have access to a library. Not buying books. Not borrowing from other people here. Just the three (or four) here.

I thought I'd share.

1. The Bible (I brought NIV) -- Because really, it has the basics of so much literature. So many stories I haven't read. Good stuff.
2. Thurber: Writings and Drawings (one of those Library of America books) -- Because it's my favorite, make-me-laugh, bedtime book. For years. I really should re-cover it.
3. Life Prayers -- Because it was a gift from work. And it has prayers and meditations that I hadn't read yet. And because I stuck in the cards from work people, so it makes me smile.
4. (if you count it as a book) My journal -- Because I have to have something to process in that's just for me.
   

"you play trumpet?"

After hearing my name and that question, I was surprised at how quickly I was able to place the speaker. I only played during middle school, so figuring out what time frame and what location he'd known me in went pretty quickly.

I hadn't seen him since we left middle school, so there was the brief exchange of paths since then. I was curious why he chose to do this. When he returned the question, I pointed to our shared past. "Why weren't you in my honors classes back then?" My classes did not reflect the race makeup of the school, but it's clear that people can be successful despite not being in them (or not successful even though they were there).

Just a reminder of the small world. The way the world shifts. And the reason why I'm here.

oh give me a home....

and get me out of this unhealthy environment.

cross fingers for sleep

The one night when I hoped to get to bed early, there's a fire alarm. I'll still be asleep by 11. But :-P (Ah well, was warned it was coming. And turned out to have other work that I was doing up until the drill anyway.)

I hate goodbye

Subject says it all.

Whether the relationship's been short or long. Whether the break's a week or unknown. Just blah.

ready, set, crash

It's been crazy. Check. But I'm glad I've done the things I've done. I've been able to identify new faces so much. And I think my group will be amazing.

Happy details:

• waking up from nap while on layover (using nalgene for a pillow=sign of exhaustion) and seeing guy I'd met earlier this week arriving to be on my flight
• shuttle pulling up and seeing another guy from our group coming straight at us (turns out he was heading to his car, but he was more than happy to help. excellent)
  
• surprise hug from behind from classmate
  

Life lesson

In reading the phone book yesterday, because I felt like it was a good way to get to know the area, the following ad caught my eye.

"Don't hump it! Pump it!"

Anyone really able to explain what this means (in non-sexual terms)? Because I couldn't figure out why people were humping "it" to begin with. To avoid you uneducated guesses, I'm not saying what the ad was for. Hehehe.

it's already this late? but it's so early.

Don't think I like deadlines that much. And certainly not when they involve saying goodbye. And definitely not when there's too many of them at once. And that's kind of the case right now.

Thunder's coming

Sometimes I'm in awe of how much people actually pay attention to what I say.

I just received an e-mail from one of the people in college relations. He remembered that in one of our conversations (mostly just chit-chat type things) I mentioned that I'd be gone next week. Silly job training. Was wondering if I would be missing Commencement rehearsal, which is apparently where graduates pick up free tickets for the post-ceremony picnic. He could just put mine in my mailbox.

I replied that I should be back in time (getting in late the night before) but I'd call in mild panic if that fell through. 2 minutes later I get a reply telling me not to panic, but just call if necessary.

I'm really impressed that he figured out that I might not be here and followed through. And the reply was just fun.

I think the thunder part of the storm's over, but the rain's still here. Wonder what part of my own whirlwind I'm in....

count down continues

It's amazing how much I keep discovering about this place. Like how I've got a new favorite study spot. Not that I'll use it for more than the week before college ends, but it's nice for now.

So I'm sitting here, working on those final assignments. Staring out the window (it's got a great view, especially for people watching). I wonder how much people are aware they're in public.

I mean, you're sitting outside in the middle of campus. Under a tree with a friend. If no one's walking by on the sidewalk it's easy to feel alone. But really, I'm up here looking at you. Wondering what you're talking about. If there's any romance going on. And how is it that you're not getting too cold?