And it was good

God created human beings;
        he created them godlike, 

Reflecting God’s nature.
        He created them male and female.
God blessed them:
        “Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Earth! Take charge!
Be responsible for fish in the sea and birds in the air,
        for every living thing that moves on the face of Earth.”

Then God said, “I’ve given you
        every sort of seed-bearing plant on Earth

And every kind of fruit-bearing tree,
        given them to you for food.

To all animals and all birds,
        everything that moves and breathes,

I give whatever grows out of the ground for food.”
        And there it was.

God looked over everything he had made;
        it was so good, so very good! 

It was evening, it was morning— 

Day Six.

Genesis 1: 27-31 from Eugene Peterson's interpretation in The Message

 

 

Is there a better time to reflect on our stories of creation than when we gather in the face of destruction? When we pause to consider what we have wrought, that is the time to remember what we have been given. And what we give to each other.

I wanted a sign to reflect my religion--to say, "This I believe. And this, too, I believe."

We are responsible.

Split

We were at the end of the third date. He'd already bought my movie ticket. I made a point of getting the concessions. When he was in the restroom I looked at the check and put my credit card in the folder. And directed the waiter not to take it, that I wanted him to pay half. (Hey, the restaurant was more expensive than I would have chosen.)

~~~





You probably won't be surprised by what happens next. Maybe you're more accepting of cultural norms than I am. Maybe you've dated more than I have an had made your peace with them. Maybe you've only dated people you already knew so it's no big deal.



~~~

He returns. I indicate that he should pay. There is confusion about where the pen is. I point out that we haven't sent it back yet. He pulls out his credit card, slides mine back across the table.

"No, really. Let's split."

"But you're a student." And you make plenty of money. 

I hate that. It feels like a trump card. We're both tired, even though it's the situation for a conversation, it's not the time for it.

"True. Thank you."

~~~

I know it's the norm, but it irks me enough that I start asking friends how I can get off the "subsidized meal plan" on early dates. I'm not trying to date to get free meals.

I learn that the answers are better when I ask about split checks on first dates. I learn guys think it's a bad sign when their date wants to split. I learn that women will let the guy pay first and offer to get the next one. But only if they like him.

I hear about the strategy of getting to the coffee shop early and getting your own drink before the date shows. I hear about women in Sweden yelling at the guy who insists on paying.

I don't get an answer I can put into action. I'm not comfortable making that scene. And even with my standard (free) first date, eventually we'll be at a place where I can't order ahead.

~~~

My feminism worries that the men in my sample are more adamant that the guy should pay than the women are. That the only guys I ask who think it's a good sign if the women wants to split, follow immediately with "but I'm a feminist." That women who want the guy to pay usually add "I'm old-fashioned that way" or "I'm southern like that" or "I'm traditional about that."

"Don't worry about it. Let they guy pay," the crowds tell me again and again. "You'll let friends pay for you, won't you?" "Money doesn't mean the same thing to everyone." "Maybe this is the way grown-ups do things."

The feminist in me listened when my math minded other told me it's better to be the match partner making the offer than the one reviewing offers. An explanation of love not being fairly divided between men and women that has everything and nothing to do with gender.

What else are people old fashioned about?

~~~



Two weeks into this informal conversational therapy, I've learned why I'm so uncomfortable.

I'm proud of my independence, financial and otherwise. Yes, that independence is supported by a wide community that I look to for support. There are many people who take care of me. There are many people who I take care of.

On a date like the one above, you are not one of those people. You're auditioning to join them.

I have an action plan for the next time I'm caught trying not to get my credit card back. I'll ask why. Knowing my own response is more than a sputtered, "because…but..but...but...feminism" makes me feel more confident that I can push that discussion.

Even when I'm tired.

Follow-up Visit

Even virtual visits count. Especially when there's a crazy time difference. The kind where oceans and/or continents are involved. Miles and miles and it's been far too long since I've talked to some people.

Which is why I'm grateful for Christmas letters. An annual reason to check out people's mailing addresses. To have them say, nope, that's not going to get to me. And while I get an address so that my mail will find it's way to them, we set up a Skype date or a phone call or something.

And we talk. You may feel like you told me too much about you and didn't hear enough about me, but that wasn't the important part. It is important to know you're still there. To re-establish that you're someone I care about and who cares about me. To spend time together, even if we're doing it on different days.

Visits

I haven't seen S much this semester. We met at church when I first moved here, but we're both going to different congregations now. I haven't run into her when I study in the library at her seminary. We haven't even seen each other online as often.

When I have talked to her, she's invited me to come to her church. I haven't gone. Still trying to get used to not visiting a new place every other Sunday. Wanting to find a community in the Sunday School class at my new church, and that works better when you're there on Sunday. But Sunday School wasn't happening today, because people were traveling for Thanksgiving. And I wanted to focus on doing some homework today, so I texted her last night asking what time the early service was. This morning, I made a trip to the suburbs to see her sing with the praise choir.

I'm sorry I didn't do it earlier.

~~~

I put a lot of stock in visits. Friends who visit get credit (and sometimes people who don't visit get demerits). Obviously there's a lot of variation to how important a visit is, but it demonstrates the value of the relationship. The time to come out. The effort to plan. The simple support of being there.

Yes, it can be stressful to host people, witness hosting my family for this year's Thanksgiving celebration. But if you want bonus points with me, visit.

I try to visit other people too. Road trips are more fun when you see friends.* Plus, if I expect visits, it's only fair to visit others.

~~~

I arrived in the middle of the service. (It was only a half-hour long.) When the band went up again, S spotted me on the back pew and waved.

As soon as she could make her way back to me at the end of the service, she was thanking me for coming and introducing me to everyone.

She told me as we went out for coffee, that my coming allows her to show the church members she has friends. I'm not the only one who hasn't visited her new congregation yet. I'm the first who has.**

As we drove back to the church so she could lead youth group, she thanked me again. "When I saw you, I got the same sort of feeling that you get when you're a kid and your parents come to your concert." That safety of having someone who loves you. The confidence of knowing someone watching is going to be cheering for you. The comfort of a familar face.

I told S, as well as any church members who asked, that I won't return often. I have my church home. But today was a reminder of the value of visits.




*Though I am sorry when there's too little time and I don't get to catch up with everyone in the area. There's a balance between time with people and people people people.
**Granted, a lot of her friends are from seminary and busy with their own congregations on Sunday morning.