Split

We were at the end of the third date. He'd already bought my movie ticket. I made a point of getting the concessions. When he was in the restroom I looked at the check and put my credit card in the folder. And directed the waiter not to take it, that I wanted him to pay half. (Hey, the restaurant was more expensive than I would have chosen.)

~~~





You probably won't be surprised by what happens next. Maybe you're more accepting of cultural norms than I am. Maybe you've dated more than I have an had made your peace with them. Maybe you've only dated people you already knew so it's no big deal.



~~~

He returns. I indicate that he should pay. There is confusion about where the pen is. I point out that we haven't sent it back yet. He pulls out his credit card, slides mine back across the table.

"No, really. Let's split."

"But you're a student." And you make plenty of money. 

I hate that. It feels like a trump card. We're both tired, even though it's the situation for a conversation, it's not the time for it.

"True. Thank you."

~~~

I know it's the norm, but it irks me enough that I start asking friends how I can get off the "subsidized meal plan" on early dates. I'm not trying to date to get free meals.

I learn that the answers are better when I ask about split checks on first dates. I learn guys think it's a bad sign when their date wants to split. I learn that women will let the guy pay first and offer to get the next one. But only if they like him.

I hear about the strategy of getting to the coffee shop early and getting your own drink before the date shows. I hear about women in Sweden yelling at the guy who insists on paying.

I don't get an answer I can put into action. I'm not comfortable making that scene. And even with my standard (free) first date, eventually we'll be at a place where I can't order ahead.

~~~

My feminism worries that the men in my sample are more adamant that the guy should pay than the women are. That the only guys I ask who think it's a good sign if the women wants to split, follow immediately with "but I'm a feminist." That women who want the guy to pay usually add "I'm old-fashioned that way" or "I'm southern like that" or "I'm traditional about that."

"Don't worry about it. Let they guy pay," the crowds tell me again and again. "You'll let friends pay for you, won't you?" "Money doesn't mean the same thing to everyone." "Maybe this is the way grown-ups do things."

The feminist in me listened when my math minded other told me it's better to be the match partner making the offer than the one reviewing offers. An explanation of love not being fairly divided between men and women that has everything and nothing to do with gender.

What else are people old fashioned about?

~~~



Two weeks into this informal conversational therapy, I've learned why I'm so uncomfortable.

I'm proud of my independence, financial and otherwise. Yes, that independence is supported by a wide community that I look to for support. There are many people who take care of me. There are many people who I take care of.

On a date like the one above, you are not one of those people. You're auditioning to join them.

I have an action plan for the next time I'm caught trying not to get my credit card back. I'll ask why. Knowing my own response is more than a sputtered, "because…but..but...but...feminism" makes me feel more confident that I can push that discussion.

Even when I'm tired.

Gossip and Relationships and This post goes on and on for ages just like this title

Last weekend, I had a conversation with H. about how I like talking through other people's gossip because I don't generate my own. It's not my style so much. Three days later, I'd scheduled a date with a guy from OkCupid, who was not the guy that I have a budding interest in at dance, nor the guy from the other dance place who I was seriously flirting with. Yeah. If you've seen me in the past week, there's a decent chance you've heard something about this. But most of you who read this, don't see me. So a follow-up to the gossip you're not hearing.

~~~

The OkCupid date was scheduled for last night. Brief summary:

Oh my God, are you there? I've been messaging you for 4 hours, but I have a feeling my "smart" phone is not quite smart enough for OK Cupid. Anyway, I am in the hospital. Please, please call me. (Phone number redacted.)

Yeah. I was stood up. And sure, hospital. Could easily be something major and nasty and bad. And if I was really feeling the messages we'd exchanged, it's possible I'd find a way to reschedule. But I'm not.

And by the time I made my way back home last night, I wasn't even feeling generous enough to click over to the site and read the entirety of his message. Finally did this morning. (Which is when I saw the hospital line.) Felt like I should at least acknowledge the message, but, again, with the not feeling generous enough for another chance.

Yeah, I was there. Well, not by the time you sent this. After an hour I bid farewell to the guys working the front desk, called some friends, and made other plans for the evening. (And I'll admit, I'm partly to blame for not calling you. I have a rule against giving phone number to guys I don't know. Only took one sketchy experience to make me enforce it. Blame Chris.)

So yeah, your smart phone and OkCupid definitely failed. Hope whatever situation took you to the hospital turns better soon. Ideally that everyone is healthy and normal again. But it sounds like this isn't the time for either of us.

~~~

Writing that I realized it was true. I'm not into the online dating thing. So I disabled my account. In the spirit of thinking it may be an issue of timing, I didn't delete. Just turned it off for the time being.

When you leave the site, they ask why. Lots of checkbox options. And then there's a text box for any other comments or suggestions. I took that to mean, "therapy time!"

Warning, this is way more of a debrief than the size of the textbox indicates that you're looking for. I'm ended up using it as one last time to process what the OkCupid experience meant for me.

Real reason that I'm leaving has more to do with why I signed up in the first place. My friend kept telling me that I should try online dating, so I let him set me up with an account. But he's deactiviated his account (again), so he can't give me a hard time for shutting mine down. :)

I love reading the OkTrends blog and am a little sad to not be actively contributing data anymore. But it's not like I was doing much to contribute data anyway.

Personality-wise I never connected with the online dating experience. I like tweaking my profile and people-watching other people's profiles. But I haven't really felt the desire to talk to people here. I've been terrible about replying to messages. I'm bad enough at responding to people I know, people I don't know don't get prioritized and then, ironically, I don't get to know them. (Maybe I'd be better if I could read the whole message in my e-mail account, sometimes the click stopped me, but I get that you need clicks on the site for advertising.)

Okay, that's more than enough for now. Thanks for the experience. It was fun and helped me learn about myself. Who knows, maybe I'll even come back in the future.

~~~

I did like tweaking my profile. Considering how I present myself to strangers. It's a fun exercise. Saving the main parts of my "about me" section, because I like them.

I wake up to NPR. Read XKCD over my oatmeal or yogurt. There is always a book by my bed to read before I go to sleep.

I am easily entertained, but carry a book and my knitting.

I believe in stories. The stories we tell ourselves and the ones we tell each other.

I believe in making decisions after hearing all sorts of arguments for and against. During my first year teaching, there were times where my biggest motivation was knowing if I'd gone back a year, I wouldn't be able to talk myself out of committing to teaching.

I don't realize how much a place has become home until after I've moved. I wasn't Southern until I left the South. I didn't fully value the ruralness of the plains until I moved to the city. I'm still figuring out how I feel about the city; trying to accept that there are years before I settle on my opinion.

And, I only Twitter with math teachers.

~~~

So instead of a date last night, I came home and did laundry. (I said I made alternate plans. I didn't say what they were.)

And then I got hooked on a wedding blog. (I knoooow.) Suffice to say that I felt like the blog did a good job of capturing a lot of the ways I think about relationships, partly because it allows a place for community for people with a wide variety of perspectives on relationships.

And with that, I'm including links to the two posts that made me squeal with excitement to see some of my thoughts expressed by other people.