We were at the end of the third date. He'd already bought my movie
ticket. I made a point of getting the concessions. When he was in the
restroom I looked at the check and put my credit card in the folder. And
directed the waiter not to take it, that I wanted him to pay half.
(Hey, the restaurant was more expensive than I would have chosen.)
~~~
You
probably won't be surprised by what happens next. Maybe you're more
accepting of cultural norms than I am. Maybe you've dated more than I
have an had made your peace with them. Maybe you've only dated people
you already knew so it's no big deal.
~~~
He returns. I indicate that he
should pay. There is confusion about where the pen is. I point out that
we haven't sent it back yet. He pulls out his credit card, slides mine
back across the table.
"No, really. Let's split."
"But you're a student." And you make plenty of money.
I
hate that. It feels like a trump card. We're both tired, even though
it's the situation for a conversation, it's not the time for it.
"True. Thank you."
~~~
I
know it's the norm, but it irks me enough that I start asking friends
how I can get off the "subsidized meal plan" on early dates. I'm not
trying to date to get free meals.
I learn that the answers are better when I ask about split checks on first dates. I
learn guys think it's a bad sign when their date wants to split. I
learn that women will let the guy pay first and offer to get the next
one. But only if they like him.
I hear about the strategy of getting
to the coffee shop early and getting your own drink before the date
shows. I hear about women in Sweden yelling at the guy who insists on
paying.
I don't get an answer I can put into action. I'm not comfortable making that scene. And even with my standard (free) first date, eventually we'll be at a place
where I can't order ahead.
~~~
My feminism worries that the men in my sample are more adamant that the guy should pay than the women are. That the only guys I ask who think it's a good sign if the women wants to split, follow immediately with "but I'm a feminist." That
women who want the guy to pay usually add "I'm old-fashioned that way"
or "I'm southern like that" or "I'm traditional about that."
"Don't
worry about it. Let they guy pay," the crowds tell me again and again.
"You'll let friends pay for you, won't you?" "Money doesn't mean the
same thing to everyone." "Maybe this is the way grown-ups do things."
The
feminist in me listened when my math minded other told me it's better
to be the match partner making the offer than the one reviewing offers. An explanation of love not being fairly divided between men and women
that has everything and nothing to do with gender.
What else are people old fashioned about?
~~~
Two weeks into this informal conversational therapy, I've learned why I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm
proud of my independence, financial and otherwise. Yes, that
independence is supported by a wide community that I look to for
support. There are many people who take care of me. There are many
people who I take care of.
On a date like the one above, you are not one of those people. You're auditioning to join them.
I
have an action plan for the next time I'm caught trying not to get my credit card back. I'll ask why. Knowing my own response is more
than a sputtered, "because…but..but...but...feminism" makes me feel more confident that I
can push that discussion.
Even when I'm tired.
