Moving Melancholy

There is no reason why this move should churn up emotions.

None.

I'm switching offices. We all are. It's an office switch-a-roo. I'm not saying goodbye to people.* I'm not  changing job descriptions.** I'm not even having to carry all my books myself.***

And yet, sitting beside my boxes, sorting through the papers I printed for classes, deciding what to keep and what can be recycled, there it is.

Part sadness. Part nostalgia. Part anxiety about the future and what comes next. The wondering of how things will work in the new place.

It's ridiculous. Especially when compared to other people who are actually MOVING. Friends who are moving across country for grad school. Colleagues who just bought a house. My sister texted me WHILE I WAS SITTING NEXT TO THESE BOXES saying that she'd just left the house where she's spent the past year. For the last time. My switch has NOTHING on them.

But sometimes you have to embrace the ridiculous to get past it. Acknowledge that this comes from years of past moves, stress about not getting as much done as I feel like I should, and the reminder that relationships are changing all the time.

So I'm heading home early today. Stopping by early tomorrow so I can get to my plants before the movers do. And counting on the excitement of unpacking to be as refreshing as the current mood is draining.







*At least not people who I couldn't stop by and say hello to on pretty much any workday.

** Well, not any more than if I'd been in the same office anyway. And really, I'm glad to be at the point where I'm done taking classes.

*** Since it's the Grand Switch-a-roo they're getting movers. I am spoiled I tell you. Spoiled.

Second Opinions

"Are you keeping secrets from her?"

Middle schoolers are my favorite for giving a second opinions on your relationship. Or at least, they do a bang-up job of checking out your partner.

"Will you stay by her side?"

When I was back for graduation, my friend showed me a video of her middle school students interviewing her fiance. They bounce back and forth between "What are your intentions?" and "What is her favorite color?" Both important questions when you think about it.

"Will you buy her anything she wants?"

So when I realized List Guy was going to meet one of my best friends while she had two middle schoolers living with her, I asked them to check him out for me. My friend looked over their list first and apparently vetoed some questions that were too straight-from-a-tv-wedding-ceremony. Though, they were still awfully concerned about my material well being.

"Do have a house, a car, and money?"

 A lot of the questions have obvious "right" answers. But they're still the questions that people want the answers to. We're just "too polite" to actually ask them.

"What do you like about her?"

Or at least to ask them of our friend's new partner. We ask our friend what they like about the new person in their life. Much less likely to ask the new partner.

"What are you good at?"

The friend who introduced me to the middle-school second opinion system let her kids be on their own with her partner.  She got the video tape in the end.

"What would you change about him?" "If you changed all of him, what would you change back?"


We didn't have a proper camera. Nor did we really have another place for me to go in my friend's apartment building, so I was sitting beside List Guy for his interview. It was one of the most adorable feeling moments we've had together.


"Do you smoke or drink?"


I hope we didn't make my friend gag. Maybe that's the other reason these the middle schoolers are better at these interviews. We like a bit of other people's romance in the movies. Too much from our friends quickly gets to be Too Much. Middle school is more of a time of watching others' relationships in books and movies and real-life as you dreaming what your future relationships will be.


"Do you trust her?"

And really, only an interview by middle-schoolers can end with an on-demand  talent show to prove that you didn't lie earlier.

The first time I served as skipper...

15 knot winds. 4 to 5 foot waves. 

And I rocked it. Neither my partner nor I had ever been sailing before. The instructors weren't on our boat. We kept asking each other what in the world we were supposed to do. Strategizing before action does not work as well when you're already moving. Not being able to relate theory to practice until you do things is confusing. Not gonna lie, there was unintentional tacking. But we didn't run into anyone. And the only time we capsized was when we were instructed to.

22. Go sailing--Check!

Getting around

I believe in public transportation, but after two weekends of public transit I am not visiting list guy again without a car.

Some places (where I live now) are fine to visit without a car. Some are near impossible unless you’re on a bike tour or run across the nation campaign (where I lived then). I can get to him on the bus. And he doesn’t have a car. So we should be good?

Except. 

He rides a bike and I don’t.

And the buses near him are designed for weekday commutes and I visit on weekends.

And he’s okay not knowing who’s giving him a ride home at the end of the evening. I burst into tears when it’s late and it’s loud and I’m exhausted and I want to go home and we don’t have a plan.*

If he ends up o the wrong side of everywhere, he’s okay walking in the middle of the night for hours. I start asking how to get a cab. I hate spending money on cabs in my city. But then, I can almost always get home on transit. The rides might be long, but the stops aren’t miles away from my place and the waits aren’t going to be nearly an hour long.

I know bringing my car will bring it’s own issues of parking and navigation, but suspect it will help bridge more obstacles than it creates.

I wrote this post on my bus

The one I take pretty much every weekday

Ironic or point in case? I'm not sure which.

*Doesn’t that make you want to invite me to your next party? 

Postsecret

Question:

Answer:
Yes.  They may not announce it to the church. They may not even tell it to the one(s) they love. But yes.

I'm sure the loved's response varies based on the situation. I am grateful that (atheist) list boy comes to church with me. The people that know him are humored by it. The people I've told at church are initially confused by it and then supportive.

I'm not trying to convert him. I am trying to share a part of myself that is foreign to him. He started coming to church with me without my asking him to. He invited me to the worship he attended as a child, despite obviously not attending anymore. It reassures me that while we have deep religious differences, he can be open to mine. If anything, I need to learn how to be open to his.

Not sure how our parents will handle all this.

I haven't mentioned it to mine.

Can't really tell what his father knows.

I'm trusting everyone to trust us. 

Weekend Snapshots: Last Student Graduation Edition

Things to remember from this weekend:

• The immediate feeling of forgetting what the city is like. Accepting it's a different world.
• Hug attack when my girl saw me.
• "I'm glad you made it," from her mom.
• Gossip sessions with everyone. Hearing their redemption stories.
• Swimming in the lake. Even if I didn't jump off the cliff.
• Wandering trails a mile from where I used to live, but never knew about.
• Being told, "It's good you left when you did."
• Sprinkle ice cream cones and cheese balls.
• Telling the Hallmark movie it's being ridiculous for not having any mud on the cars driving a dirt road to camp. Looking at my dust-covered rental as proof. 
• Getting to know my replacement. A year after she's been replaced.
• Sitting outside writing the goodbye letters.
• Shout-out during the graduation speech. 
• Nicknaming my girl's friend within minutes of meeting him.
• Meeting my other girl's fiance.
• Worrying about their future. Even the ones you don't worry about, you do.
• Seeing past graduates. The one home from military for a few weeks. The baby-daddy holding his kid. The college-girl set to graduate. The runaway this time honestly released from jail. The college freshman pumped for next year. The gangsters chilling.
• "I knew this is what you were getting me." "Good. I mean, I told you years ago. Had to look hard to get the right color pink."
• Interrupting conversation every few minutes with, "Wow. You really can see the eclipse."
• Failed cell phone calls. Of course.
• Cooking with the roommate. Because we miss doing that.
• Getting a warning for speeding. Despite a rental car and an out of state license.
• Realizing I never spent time in the city when I lived here.  Driving new routes, discovering better food, exploring new parks.
• Reconsidering calling a place this size a city.
• Reading this post in the airport. Watching the video. Finally starting my cathartic cry.

[Edit: things that I forgot]

• Watching Grey’s and sharing a bottle of good wine, because that’s what we do.
• Going out stargazing. Deciding not to turn around, but to follow the other path back. Failing to find the other path. (Ooops.)
• 34 graduates. Optimistic 9 going away to college. Cross your fingers for that ninth one.

Alas

This was the week I was going to get things done.

Next week I travel to see my girls graduate. The next week I'll be here, but preoccupied with A's wedding.

So this week was to get things done.

Monday started off okay. Despite waking up with a cold, I put in a full day. And actually had things to show. Tuesday, I managed a decent half day. And Wednesday I had a couple of hours of work.

And Thursday was when I finally started calling it the flu instead of a cold.

Fever's been gone for over a day. But I still feel awful. And am not sure when the work will get done. But now, it's time to veg some more. Hoping that will let my body recuperate.

I'm a bad patient

My Sister The Nerd Lover

She complained that my college wasn't nerdy enough. "But seriously the college got rid of the Linux lab my sophomore year. That was a huge factor in my decision. Tsk Tsk."

I didn't understand. Nor do I have sympathy for her. You, my dear friends, are nerds enough for me.

The problem is that we have different frames of reference. My high school didn't have so much of the nerds. Her's was an extreme.

Case in point. She's applying for cool jobs now, so I'm stalking the jobs page of every cool start-up. This apparently leads to me looking at photos of "generic looking nerds." My sister's reaction, "Hey, I think I know that person."

So today, she mentions that one of the people from her high school is working at a well-known start-up (whose page I happened to be examining yesterday). I go back to the page and scroll around as we talk about the lack of women in the field. (The recruitment team was skewed toward women though maybe not as much as engineer team was toward men.) I comment about how there are nerds and then there are people who really stand out as nerds. Extra pale skin. Extra nerdy props. Turns out of all the people working at the start-up, the guy I picked out as the nerdiest is the one she knows.

A nerd among nerds I tell you.

Now then, I'm off to read Girl Genius.

I don't really care that you can see the end of the story coming a mile away

I'm writing it to remember it for me, more than to amuse you

Rites of Passage

I've been spotted around his neighborhood. Ran into matchmaker's father two weekends ago. I worried that I was hungry and tired and coming down with a cold, but was assured, "The whole neighborhood is pleased with your visits to his parents house."

His parents pulled out the baby pictures last weekend. Diapered-butt on full display as he hung on to the crib and stared out the widow.

My parents got to see a picture of the two of us together. Dressed for church and cooking breakfast. (Thank you Aunt who stalks Facebook.)

I've heard some of his family stories often enough that I could probably tell them. Might get some details wrong, but could probably catch the spirit. (It's funny which stories get evoked most often. I hear more about his sister than I do about him.)


We're planning our first trips together. Reunion for me. Cabin weekend with the matchmakers. I'm curious about what stories we'll add to our repertoire.

Something to make me smile

Two weeks ago was the funeral.

Which means that two and three-quarters weeks ago I changed my computer background to what it was through most of my undergrad years.


My grandparents. Years and years ago. I think of it as "the courtship photo." My sister refers to it as "argyle socks."

But really it shows me love and style. Something a little bit classic and a little bit comfort.

It lets me sneak a glimpse of the past to give myself hope for the future.

You should comment on the adorableness of the photo.
Maybe not so much the opening sentence,
though know your thoughts and love are felt and appreciated.